I Lived For A Year In The Bed By The Window

Moments ago I gladly paid the one-time fee of $29.95 to have my address changed by the US Postal Service. (Edit: Yeah, I got scammed. Whatevsies, it happens.)

Everything is always so new and different.

I've been caught up in a complete and utter whirlwind of new experiences since I've been back. I've been trying to say yes to every opportunity and push myself to do new things and grow as a person. I've been talking and thinking a lot about growing, which I suppose is fitting with the title and idea behind my blog. My philosophy, which I'm not sure I've actually talked about here before, but I probably actually have, is that we never stop growing. That the idea of being "all grown up" is a complete misnomer because we are never entirely finished growing up.

Every day is ripe with possibility and new-ness, if you open yourself up to the opportunity. Big things, like moving into a new house, and little things, like trying a new food or meeting someone new, it all changes you. And I think that that's beautiful. I believe in taking risks and pushing your own boundaries. And that is what I've been trying to do recently.

But. Dear friends. That said. There is something profoundly tiring and terrifying about attempting to stretch your definition of yourself. It is not an easy thing to do. Just as staying positive and optimistic about the world, your life, and the future is not an easy task to take. But this is the way I want to live my life. I want to be constantly growing and learning and still retain my positivity if I can.

A crucial part of this is giving myself allowances. Sometimes I'ma get sad. Sometimes I'm gonna need to be alone and not go drinking until 2am. I have been feeling recently like I have to find and learn all the answers right away. I'm constantly afraid of doing something wrong or being perceived as something negative because I don't always know how to behave in social settings. I've never felt at ease in social situations,\ and in pushing myself to be a more sociable person, I feel that I've been really hard on myself. I just need to realize that it's a process. Life. That nothing will come easy right away, and I need to give myself some time and not be so harsh on myself.

My tattoo, on my neck, is a reminder of that. That in the (...) spaces between things, when it is silent and calm and nothing appears to be happening, that is when we allow ourselves to really grow. To take a breath, take it in, let it settle inside us. Whatever it is. A new experience, something emotional someone says, a change in relationship, or a change of setting. It is vital to be calm. After you let the chaos of the world change you.

So. I'm trying. To find a balance.

But, you know, it's a process.

I hope that you're all happy and well.

Thanks for listening.

Spiders In My Head, Spiders In My Mind

So guess what I guess it's Halloween. My degree of caring is pretty insignificant. I've really and truly been trying to write about Halloween for like twenty minutes now and I've officially determined I have nothing real to say about it.

Okay but there are a few things. I love costumes, and candy, and I think it's a great holiday for little kids, because it's just fun and exciting and adventurous for them. But I think we should be allowed to eat a boatload of candy and wear ridiculous things any time of the year, if that is what we choose to do. Also I guess it'd be nice if ladies costumes weren't so hyper-sexualized. I mean you go girl, if that's what you want to do, but the gender specific pressures to dress and behave a certain way today. Nah cool, brah. Also though I'm just kind of sad and lonely and wishing I had someone to curl up on the couch and watch scary movies with. So my negativity towards this holiday probably stems from that. Because usually I am all about holidays. Celebrate. Let it out. Etc.

But hey! My hair is orange! So really I can't be too sad about anything :p

It's an ad for Nokomis Beach Coffee. 

So that was fun and I love it. It looked super cool just bleached too, maybe I'll do blonde again after this. I love to change my hair. I think it's a relatively healthy way of feeling like I'm in control of my life... as stupid and trite as it is it's kind of empowering. But I've felt pretty good about that these days. I started this new job that I freaking love. I really like the working environment and learning a new skill and though the money isn't much it's totally worth it to be working with people I like at a place I enjoy coming in to. And also I'm (hopefully) on my way to moving out of my parents house. 

I just feel like I'm becoming my own person. Which is really what I needed from this time. I needed to be back with my friends and family and have some time to just figure out me. And I'm really doing that. I feel like I'm growing, and I was a little worried about that for a while. That I was the same kid I was when I left... or even worse that I had like... regressed. But I'm fairly certain that (for the most part :p) I'm taking steps in the right direction. Learning things and moving forward. 

Things are really good for the most part. I just have this terrible habit of over-analyzing and over-thinking and convincing myself that every major and minor decision I've made in my life was a huge mistake. So then I feel terrible and worthless for a little while until I snap out of it and realize that I'm fine... just kind of crazy. And maybe a little stupid sometimes. 

But. Mostly I know. That everything will be okay. And. All the monsters are just in my head. 

I hope. 

Even The Comatose, They Don't Dance and Tell

Well folks I started a new job.

My hair is yet to be full orange. Soon. Before Halloween. Cuz duh.

Sometime soon when I am less burnt out and more used to it and maybe possibly in my own apartment (!!!) I will tell you all all about it. And share pictures of my orange head.

But. For now. Come visit me at Longfellow Turtle Bread and watch me be flustered and big-eyed and overwhelmed. And if you're in the cities and you like me hit me up because I have been doing far too little going out recently. Also I've been missing everyone I've ever known.

And if you like Royals buy Lorde's album. I want to be that 16 year old. Or just like kiss her face. Whatevs.

Hey--wait---I've got a new complaint...

Breakups are officially the worst.

I think I've been in a form of break-up shock (is that a thing? if it isn't a thing it should be) for the past month. Since I've been back I've been going and doing and chilling and being and everything was peachy freaking keen. And all of a sudden this weekend it was like it hit me out of nowhere. Well. Not really. I skyped with the ex fella and saw our old bed and all our comfy freaking pillows. And I got really sad and lonely and spent the weekend in this teary daze. Hate me, but I thought of this scene in Gilmore Girls where Rory is going through her first break-up and her mom is trying to get her to wallow. And I was like "What's up ice cream and pie let's sit and watch ANTM and cry for a while, you in?" Also it was rainy and gross all weekend and the world was like "You do it Emma, you wallow your little heart out." And so I did.

Gotta say, I'm okay with the fact that it took me a month to get there. That's not to say I didn't have little bouts of sadness and loneliness this past month, but they were pretty momentary and I could chase them off with something else. This weekend was the first time I really felt like I needed to just feel it, miss the life I left and let myself be sad for what I gave up. Which was substantial. And I don't think I wanted to admit that to myself. And then I did. And I guess I think that was a good thing, and necessary.

Okay and but so then, yesterday the sun came out. And I hung out with a buddy, and had a boatload of fun. And then last night I made an apple crisp and drank my little heart out and all felt really really well. And today it is sunny and bright and I died my hair and walked to this here coffee shop. And TOMORROW my bestest freaking pal in the world comes back from Europe.

One weekend of sad and loneliness is probably pretty healthy. I discovered a serious appreciation for Kurt fucking Cobain. Listened to Nirvana and Fall Out Boy all weekend, this is the best emo combination I've discovered... and I have had plenty of experience let me tell you. Pity Sex if you're into that kind of thing. Musically. Ha. Hopefully this upswing will last a while.

Hopefully my next update will be all about my new job and how my whole entire head of hair is orange!

Enjoy the gorgeous freaking weather, guys!!

Song Lyric

We have sort of talked about music before. And if you haven't noticed, my posts are most usually titled from song lyrics. Because I listen to a lot of music. I love listening to music more than I love almost anything else in the world. I don't need to be doing anything else if I've found good music to lay on my bed and listen to.

I truly think there is something beautiful when. When. Okay I wrote this thing. Sometimes I write these things that aren't really poems but more just like prose with funny spacing, but I was trying to express it like a real person and I think this just does it better. Don't make fun of me. I fail. But it's okay because I wasn't really trying.


there is a magical feeling of

connectedness

for someone as unconnected as myself

when an artist writes words that speak to your soul

as though they were written just for you

and the fact that hundreds of thousands of other

gals

feel the very same way

does

nothing 

to deter or interrupt your connection

with this complete stranger

who expresses your own deepest emotions

better than you could ever dream to

It is a thing that I think and I feel about often. So. Here are the lyrics that are scrawled in the margins of my journal. Some of them. Anyways. 

Full disclosure. All I've been listening to recently are the new Arctic Monkeys and Cold War Kids albums... so it's mostly them. 

"I once knew a girl, in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth, but in the morning i fled, left a note and it read: someday you will be loved." Death Cab for Cutie-- Someday You Will Be Loved

"But that place on memory lane you like still looks the same but something about it's changed." Arctic Monkeys-- Fireside

"And i want to tell you my thoughts, but my thoughts are scattered like crows" Cold War Kids-- Fear & Trembling

"It's hard to get around the wind." alex turner

"I'm not the same kid, i grew up. Did i? Or did i get stuck?" Cold War Kids--- Bottled Affection... truly I think I may have accidentally quoted this in my last post. I've listened to this song probably ten million times in the past two weeks. 

"My solitude it makes me softer, my suffering is not in vain." Cold War Kids--- Jailbirds

"Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost. Heavy is the cost." Stars-- Personal 

"I'm at war with head vs heart, and it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks before i know what it will say." Death Cab for Cutie-- Crooked Teeth

"I know i can't stay here too long, cause i can't go a week without doing wrong." The Devil Makes Three (who are coming to First Ave, who's going with me?)---- Ol No 7

"Fuck this place! I lost the war, I hate you all, Your mom's a whore. Wheres my dog? Girls are such a drag." Blink 182--- Dysentary Gary

That last one's a joke. Mainly. 

Also pretty much this entire song was a ridiculous part of my life for a while, have I ever mentioned Alex Turner? Ha. Also the video's really cool. Really any Arctic Monkeys video. If you're into that kind of thing. Oh, and this. Cold War Kids. Song. There is no music video for it... but the one you make up in your head will be better anyway. 

I hope that everyone is listening to music that makes them feel all the feels, like they are a part of the universe. I'm all about that shit. Obviously. 

Ta.

But You Deny You Ever Lied

Well.

Hello.

Since my last post I have been lounging around my parents house all day, occasionally going out at night and just kind of basically being. Bike rides around Lake Nokomis, walks to the Minnehaha Falls. Making yummy foods with my mommy, trips to our corner grocery Oxendale's (it will always be Jubilee in my brain) and the library. 

Something about the small town vibe of this city and the fact that I have so much history and nostalgia connected with this place... I will never "settle down" here. If I ever settle anywhere. But I am excited to spend a few years re-learning this city as an adult. Everything feels so big and exciting and ripe with promises of new experiences. Places I remember from my childhood, instead of feeling smaller, feel so much more complex and interesting looking at them through my adult eyes. 

I do not feel like I lost anything "growing up." It has been something I've been thinking about recently. Wether or not I have actually "grown up" and if so did I do it good? Am I a real, good, grown up adult person? Or am I stuck? And if so is there something wrong with that? I do not mean in the context of having no job and living with my parents, I mean it in a broader context of making life decisions that benefit me and my general humanity in the long run. I know that I need to get a job, and I have a pal who's most likely going to hook me up, and I'm actually even excited about that. What I am less sure of is whether or not I'm capable of being a good person. 

Regardless of age, or stasis in the "grown-up" continuum. 

Anyways. It has been really nice to just take a break. After working 50+ hours weekly for the last three years, and having all my free time basically filled by a boy... it is nice to just be with myself for a little while. I have been journalling like a maniac, people-watching like a pro, and really trying to learn and figure out all I can about myself and this world I live in. Trying to push my little bubble, going out and interacting with people. It's hard for me. I am 75% social anxiety. But I am really and truly working on it. Maybe it's incredibly self-centered of me... but I'm honestly trying to better myself. 

Ha! Sometimes, read most of the time, I feel like every other newly 20something out there. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. We're in it together, folks! 

This is water. 

It's ten minutes long but watch it, it will change your life. For real. I just started crying in the library. Slays me. 

Love you all. 

The Night Comes Crawling In On All Fours Sucking Up My Dreams Through The Floor

It is always strange to be back here.

The first couple days felt like any visit I have made over the past few years. But yesterday everything started to shift, slightly.

My Saturday was empty. In the morning I called up my most dear bestest friend to see what was up and we ended up going to the dump (!! more on that exciting adventure later!!)  and on a couple errands together. It was the kind of sudden spontaneity that is both minuscule and meaningful. Incredibly easy to take for granted when you live in a city full of pals, but something that I missed profoundly in Chicago. The fact that I can just call up friends when I have nothing to do makes me thoroughly happy.

This coupled with the fact that I am legitimately once more living in my parents home cemented the reality of my return. Not that I mind living with my parents, they are great people and incredibly generous to be housing me during my little transitional period. My sister is in town right now, so it still feels mainly like any other vacation, but all my crap laying around the house, my room stuffed with suitcases and boxes... there is a reality to it. A finality.

Goodness gracious sakes alive, you guys, I have been having the BEST time!! I went to get mani-pedis with my sister, a completely and utterly new experience for me which was really unbelievably delightful. Visited the falls for a good long while, my old sanctuary. It was nice, it was beautiful actually, to be back there. I felt more relaxed than I have in ages. I went to the dump! Okay. Secret time you guys. It wasn't actually the dump. But it was a place where you go and they weigh your car and then you go throw your shit in piles of other people's shit. Gross. Sorry. We threw some doors and a sink thing and some other things and I had an embarrassing amount of fun. I saw my oldest bestest pal (I will refer to all my friends as my bestest friends. Because they all are.) and went to a weird party and totally put myself out of my comfort zone. Which is a goal I have. And then today I had the BEST shopping day ever. Like painfully good. Spending money I don't have. Probably one of my favorite things to do.

Really, you guys, I've been having the best days.

Nights are hard. But that's another story.

My goal is to do something new every day. So far, since Friday anyway, I have met that goal. I want to do new and spontaneous things that put me out of my comfort zone and hopefully help me to grow and learn about myself. My other, broader, more real goals are to find a job, an apartment, and eventually finish my degree. Degree in what you ask? No freaking clue. Something useless and fun that I will enjoy learning about. Like linguistics or creative writing or something. I like those word things.

You guys.

You guys.

I am so happy. This is so good.

Thanks for supporting my silly little life, you guys.

More soon.