Sick Kids are the Wooost

For reals.

A) It's absolutely heartbreaking.

B) It's occasionally frustrating.

C) It's inevitable that you'll get sick yourself. Which makes everything more frustrating and heartbreaking.

Here's to hoping I don't catch pneumonia.

Think Less But See It Grow

Ah, the new year.

These holidays always catch me by surprise, these two days of retrospectives and resolutions are never quite what I expect them to be. I'm not sure if I've always disliked New Years or if these past couple years have altered my opinion of the holiday. Analyzing the past to predict the future just seems so futile right now, at this point in my life when I am changing and growing oh-so-much. And it doesn't take a licensed psychiatrist to see that a lot has happened to me this year. I fell in love, I found the strength to let go of someone I never thought I'd be able to let go of, graduated high school and ran to Chicago to start some sort of grown up life.

Or maybe I just ran away.

But that's not the point ;)

The point is that something changed this New Years. I didn't feel the necessity to over analyze and make predictions, to brood on the year past. I spent this last year with the greatest man in the world, and this New Years I had my first New Years kiss with the man I want to kiss every New Years for the foreseeable future.

I am so happy. SO happy. This past year, whatever the dramatic negatives, was probably the happiest of my life. And I am so excited to see what this new year has in store for me.

Now, there was no analyzing this year but there were some resolutions made. I enjoy resolutions, they make me feel like I have a little control over this growth thing that's going on with me. So. Here are my New Years goals. Broad and attainable.


1) Get Driver's License
Or at least get the permit and start the process of license acquisition. I know in Minneapolis you have to have your permit at least 6 months before you get your license, it may be more here. My true goal is to get my permit and be well on my way to becoming a licensed driver by my next New Years post on this here blog. Which brings me to number

2) Blog Maintenance and Upkeep
Now, my goal is to blog at least once a week and have some sort of structure to those blogs. Eventually I'd like to do what I set out to -- get a camera and start posting about food and fashion, as well as my life. I'd like my posts to have more structure, I'd like to spend more time making sure they make sense. Unlike this one which I plan on posting as soon as I'm done!

3) Manage Money Better / Save More
This is a common one, and basic. I'd like to be able to take a real trip sometime, start a savings account like a real person. Not spend hundreds of unnecessary dollars on clothings and accessories.

4/5) Read and Write More
I've always kept a journal. In the past few years I've become and increasingly shazzy journalist... journaler? Anyway, I'd like to procure a new journal and write in it at least as much as I blog. If I don't I'll probably start spilling things I don't want on the internet. I probably already have. And the other is pretty common. Read more. I love books and I've always loved books. I'm reading two right now but my problem is pace. I read so slowly that by the time I'm halfway through a book another comes along that I want to read more and I don't end up finishing the first book. So. Stick to my literature commitments, and journal more consistently.

Attainable, no? I think I'll do good. But today is the last day of my vacation before going back to work, today is still a New Years holiday. I start tomorrow.

Hope everyone out there had as marvelous a New Years as I did!!!

Now for my final day of lazing about and vegging on the couch.

Two Things Good, One Thing Bad

Oh my goodness gracious, children, what a long long time it's been.

I will truly try to update more in the coming weeks.

Now, I have some things to tell you all, some news, so to speak. Two things good, one thing bad. All things very relevant to my psyche a la moment. I did something last week! As in leaving my apartment for something neither work nor shopping related! Yay! And, speaking of shopping, I bought myself a pretty epically amazing item.

Good thing #1
These guys. And also... these guys. For serious, y'all. If Mucca Pazza ever shows up in your town, go to the show. Even if they're just opening, like they were for The Dresden Dolls, it is SO worth it. A thirty piece "circus punk rock marching band?" Yes, please. They paraded through the crowd at first and jumped up and down with us with TUBAS and DRUMS in their hands.
Right, so that happens and I'm like 'Huh, let's see how The Dresden Dolls are going to top this." You see, I've never been a humongous die-hard fan of the group, but after this concert... holy shamole. Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione attack their respective instruments (she piano, he drums) as if the keys and drumsticks are the weapons they use to beat the villains they sing about. Rapists and bad parents and teachers who never gave a damn. It's teen angst at it's most raw and real and these thirty something year olds pull it off with such sincerity it... it just blows my mind. Amanda Palmer's voice and charm makes me wish I knew her when I was going through all that, because you knew that not onLy had she been there, but she goes there EVERY NIGHT when she performs. She feels what we felt and it comes out of her amazing voice and out of her fingertips onto the keys of her pianos. It's was just so beautiful. And she and Brian have beautiful stage chemistry, like brother and sister, reminding me of Jack and Meg, (who I've, sadly, never seen live, but still) and convincing me that Amanda and Neil Gaiman's relationship is safe and legit and not just a "Hey, let's spread this rumor, wouldn't they be the greatest outcast power couple?" Great. Just absolutely great. Everything about it. For serious.
This girl we were standing next to said, after Mucca Pazza went offstage and the crew were setting up for The Dresden Dolls (the set was great too, just a drum set and her piano covered in dying flowers--and a toy piano (oh, and the costumes too, she wore just a bra and high waisted pants, he just pants and a hat - h to the a to the w to the t (sorry. just hawt. or hot if we want to be totally tasteful))) this girl said "Now, that is what high school was supposed to be like." And I was thinking about that. I think the people who enjoy the music of The Dresden Dolls are the ones who wanted high school to be more punk-rock-circus-marching-band than it generally was. Slash ever was if you weren't a wacky theater kid like me. We were dissatisfied and emotional -- pissed off or sad or whatever it was, it doesn't matter. We felt it. And it kind of sucked.
So that was awesome.

And it kind of brings me to my bad thing. I miss my friends. Those kids I grew up with, all of them are so damn far away. Legitimatly. The person I'm closest to in something like 400 miles is a four year old. Besides Jeff, I mean. I miss having girlfriends to hang out with, I just thoroughly suck at making friends. Even in high school and theater where you're forced to interact with people daily I can't do it. In a HUGE city where I know no one? Yeah, right. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my boyfriend and I can talk to him about anything, but only having one person to talk to every day makes me sad sometimes, especially the whole him being male thing. He's not the type to watch romantic comedies, or eat gallons of ice cream and act incredibly silly. And I like to be that kind of girl sometimes.

So I'm getting a little homesick. Well, friendsick, I guess. But just a little, not enough to be REALLY concerning.

Okay. Okay. Good thing #2

It's a coat. Well, that's a hood, more accurately.

I bought this coat online from Urban Outfitters. Now, I'm not exactly the worlds biggest online shopper, but this guy here had free returns and it was SO cute. I love the little red riding hood thing, and it's warm and it fits me well. It really truly made me very happy. I got free shipping on it too! Pretty much the greatest thing ever. It sinches at the waist and goes out in almost a hoop sort of thing, it's cute. Sorry I can't offer you a full shot but not owning a camera at the moment this is the best i could do. I tried, but the body shots were all kind of wonky. Dirty. And my facial expression is so awk and obnoxious, it was like the 40th picture I'd taken.

Here's #41, I had to show you John and Yoko reigning over my bed, you can see the frame in the shot above and I was like, I've gotta show that off.



There they are. Sigh.

Now, this wasn't the most deep and dark and poetic post. But I'm in a good mood. Hope y'all are good as good can be.

I wish you luck!

New-Ness

Sitting in an apartment which is not just mine but ours, sitting in a big new city with big new adventures. There are bookshelves on these walls now, filled with your books and mine, married together, and OH how I love how you asked if you wanted to marry our books! Marry, what a phrase. Oh how I love you, my dearest. A shelf for the Beatles and a shelf for my graphic novels. This is my favorite room. The living room. In one corner your computer and in another the drying rack I never take down (I'll just have to put it up again next week.) I love it here. On the couch, bay window at my back, coffee's getting cold and it all just feels so real.

It's home.

The kitchen's too small and there isn't enough closet space. But it. Is. Perfect. My very first apartment shared with a man I love. How lovely.

I did it guys! You two readers who may still check up on my blog. I moved to a big new city and I've been here over a month and I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole livelong life!

To be honest, friends, I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. Not really sure what to pursue, what to do with this life of mine, in the long run. Who likes to think in long runs, though? I guess a lot of people. People who want to grow up with jobs that you title "in finance" or politicians, people with lifelong goals. I wanted to be an actress. Now I'm just not so sure.

There are so many things about that "industry" that deter me from what was once my dream. Like any industry, like the fashion industry. I've never let myself become too involved with, or even interested in fashion because there are so many things that scare me about that world. It's too powerful, too judgmental, and too vast. There's so much networking and nepotism involved in fashion and in theater and I am just not good at that kind of thing. I am shy and awkward and I LOVE that about myself. I don't want to go about changing myself for anyone or anything. Especially when I'm this happy.

I love clothes, I love art, I love expression and creativity. I love the beauty of a perfectly crafted dress and a beautifully performed monologue. I love the feeling I get when I'm onstage and I've done well, when I'm offstage and it's over and I've got that post-show high. But the reality of that theater world is just so true to it's stereotypes that I have to run away from it, at least for a little while.

And fashion. This world of fashion. It truly interests me and provokes me and I get excited thinking about it but there are just so many things... so many drawbacks. Tavi and Jane Pratt are starting this magazine. They're taking submissions to start a team and I keep thinking about it. Wanting to submit but being scared of so many things. Scared of what will happen if they like me, scared that that won't.

You should always do the things that scare you most.

I'll write more about fashion later. Think more about that later.

In other news, I've re vamped my blog. Changed a few things. I'm going to buy myself a camera and start taking outfit-shots. There are so many shazzy "fashion blogs" out there, I figure I can spare to add one to the multitude. I'll write about clothes and cooking, been doing a lot of cooking here. Mostly my I'll write about my life. My thoughts on the idea of "grown-ups," what it means to be grown up. If there really is such a thing.

I miss you all.

Talk to you soon.

On And On And On

Well, I have obviously been a tad absent from the blogging world for quite a while. There is a rather distinct reason for this.

I.

Am.

Incredibly

...

something.

Sad, distracted, lazy, apathetic, anxious... all accurate words to describe my current state of being. Not at all busy, quite the opposite in fact, I haven't done this little in years. I'm distracted from bartending school, disenchanted with theatre, and utterly and completely ready to be anywhere but this citytownspace.

My past few posts have read more like sad livejournal ramblings, and that is really not what I created this blog to be about.

When I started this blog I was all about moving forward into this industry, this Twin Cities theatre industry I was oh-so-fond of /curious about. My theatrical life was bustling, with ASR readings starting, auditioning for R&J and doing all the South business. I was excited about everything and doing more than I'd ever done. But it was too much. I got caught up in the action of it all and the life kind of faded out of me.

I was living in one of those shallow action films where so much happens but nothing's really going on beneath the surface. All I wanted to do was keep going and doing so that I didn't have to stop and think or breathe or really feel much of anything. Everything that's going on (epic explosions as Main Character A jumps off a building, love scene with Love Interest B) is perfectly marvelous... but the characters are shallow and the writing's trite and shitty.

So summer brings with it peace. A lull. And I start to think. And we all know how dangerous thinking is.

For once, I've actually come to a few concrete solutions.

I'm running away in the fall. Getting out of dodge, getting a change of scene. I'm going to move to a bigger city and get an apartment and a job in a brand new place. I'm going to have a soul searching adventure. I'm going to find myself before I lose myself in another theatrical endeavor. I may audition for schools out east, I may not. I might audition for shows after a while, I'm not really sure.

All I am sure of is that I can't stand the thought of being in a classroom right now. I want to feel alive; I want to be out in the world making real mistakes and not classroom textbooks B- mistakes. I want to get off the computer and rollerblade around the lake because rollerblading is the greatest activity man has ever come up with. I want to eat a lot of wacky foods and play with the people I love. That's what I want. I want to be with the people I love doing things I love and learning by actually BEING!!! AND FUCKING UP! I love fucking up.

I fuck up more than most people and apologize a helluva lot less. I'm just good at hiding it sometimes. Hello. Actress.

I'm probably making huge mistakes by running away to work and not go to school. I plan on going to school eventually, I really really do. I know that it will always be there and I will one day be ready for it. But that day is not today.

And I don't want to use this blog as a journal anymore.

So it may be a while.

While I take this trip.

Before you hear from me again.

Wish me luck.

Basic Space

Open air.

Going out of town for July 4th. An illicit adventure with an illicit acquaintance to shady parts of a big loud city space. The most basic space I know is the space between us. I'm excited to run away. I may not come back.

I want to get out, friends. I want to flee the city and this life that I am oh-so-unsatisfied with.

My life:

I nanny three days a week. A twelve year old girl who loves the Twilight movies, anything Justin Bieber, and absolutely nothing else. This girl doesn't like to read and she doesn't write or really seem to think all that much. I know, SHOCK!, right? But that is ALL i did as a twelve year old girl. So I'm not entirely sure how to relate to her. And I'm there for her more as a role model than an actual "babysitter." She can pretty much take care of herself, her parents are just worried about her getting into trouble with some kids she's been hanging out with. So I sit around and watch Disney Chanel and get paid $8 an hour to be a "role model" to this kid.

With this money I paid for bartending school. A totally non-legit "school" that (I hope) is going to be a fun time, that is going to (I hope) find me a job, and give me something to do with my life. The guy who runs it is kind of sleazy, but at the same time I feel as though I'll be comfortable with him. Which is cool, because I know very little about mixing drinks and it's nice to feel like I can say "What's grenadine?" and not feel like a major idiot. I signed up yesterday, received flashcards and a packet, and was told to bring my flashcards every time I come in. There's sixtyish drinks I have to memorize, from whiskey and water to sex on the beach to martinis and daiquiris... daunting tasks, right?

That's the most exciting thing I'm doing with my life. I am one boring ass 18 year old. And I kind of love it.

I'm tired of being interesting. I'm tired of falling in love and breaking hearts and having my heart broken. Tired of thinking about how people's brains work, about characters and scripts and relationships. I just want to think about my 4th of July trip, how to make a Screaming Orgasm (shot of vodka, 3/4 shot kahlua, 1/2 shot amaretto, 1/2 shot Bailey's and hazelnuts. A regular Orgasm has sweet cream instead of Bailey's), and what is going to happen to the Fishers. I'm always afraid that I'm a boring person. But the thought of having a boring life is kind of appealing to me now.

Today my loverly lover cut my hair all off. And that's barely an exaggeration.

I've had shorter hair than this a couple times but not for a few years. I love having super short hair, I love love love it. Sometimes.

I'm starting to feel like short hair suited who I used to be much more than who I am now. And I don't honestly know how I feel about that. I want to be that spunky girl with glasses and the shy smile again... but... I think I've been her all along... I just got distracted by wanting to have sex and fall in love and grow up (or maybe avoid growing up). I think now that I feel more or less grown, I can re assess that girl I used to be. Use the spunky shyness but polish it off with the maturity and sex appeal I may or may not have grown into in the past year or two.

You can be a bartender with short hair, right?

I love my house and I love my roommate and I love my city. But right now I have this feeling like nothing's going to work out like I thought it would a month ago. At the end of summer I don't know where I'll be. Here or there?

Not so basic space.

I wish it was just you and me... all the in between's driving me crazy.

Cute outfit yesterday. Forgot shoes I suppose. It happens.

Stayed in bed today. Busy week ahead of me. Work and bartending school Mon-Wednes, shopping and Eclipse with my roomie's buds Thurs, and probably leaving for the weekend Friday. Maybe Saturday. We'll see. Either way I don't have as much time as I'd like... but then I don't think anyone does. Or they have to much. Dissatisfaction, the American Way.

I wonder if anyone will get it if I just need a change of space. I've always wanted to run away and now I'm afraid I won't have the guts.

We'll see.

I'll decide when I get back.

We'll see.

People Say That You'll Die Faster Than Without Water

Things are awfully new right now.

Well, pretty much just the house.

But that's a big enough thing to make everything else feel new.

I lived in the same house since I was two years old. Well, sans last summer, but that was such an odd situation and I had 8 roommates who were all significantly older than me. I was taken care of. Now it's just me and my lovely galpal roomie. We pay the electricity every month and food et cetera. Still cheaper then paying rent, but we have cats to feed (Slice and Toast) and doors and windows to lock. Responsibilities.

I'm being trained into the living on my own thing. I really appreciate it.

In other news, I am typing from my very own MacBook :) Graduation present along with the iPod Touch it came with. Which is just dandy as the screen is broken on my old one.

I'm also really loving the lack of theater in my life. I kind of want to be a lazy kid for a while, pretend I don't know what I want to do with my life like most of the other teenagers I know. I want to play Shadow of the Colossus and read 100 Bullets. Live off Six Feet Under and comic books. It's been too damn long since I've had this much time for myself, and I want to milk it as much as I possibly can.

It's good... all this newness.

I'm saving up for a tattoo. A dot dot dot ellipses on my hip. Because the spaces between things are just as important as the things themselves, and we say more in our pauses than our words could ever dream to communicate. Should be cheap. Three black dots.

Also MN School of Bartending. $300 for a few days of training, and placement in a job. Thinking of doing it with a pal-o-mine. Because how freaking cool would I be as a bartender? Nanny by day, bartender by night.

Hell yes, please.

Also read Tavi.

What an odd post.