Singing Dreadful Songs About Summer

For over ten years I have been taking care of other people's children. 

I started babysitting very young, watching children who were only slightly younger than me while their mother worked from home in the next room. At ten years old, I would make them sandwiches and mac and cheese from the box for lunch, go on bike rides with them to the park, yell at the little one (who was also named Emma) when she was being a brat. We would sit on the edges of kiddie pools and talk about whatever it is kids tenandyounger talk about. I wanted to be a good friend and an honest confidant and a good caregiver from the age of ten. 

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I have always loved music. I bought my first CD when I was very young (it was Savage Garden, I admit it) and for a long part of my early adolescence music was the only thing I wanted to spend money on. To do that I needed to have money, and so I needed to work. 

It's funny, I have no particular memory of my parents telling me I had to get a job, or that they wouldn't buy me things... but I think I always knew that we weren't the most affluent family in the world. I always felt bad asking my parents for money... just felt more comfortable using my own money to buy material non-essentials like CDs and books. Which is where all my money usually went.  

Growing up I had several regular families I would babysit for occasionally, generating me enough income for regular trips to the Electric Fetus. I always had to buy two albums. Never just one. 

I didn't want to be a full time nanny. It wasn't really a choice that I had. The summer after I graduated college I went to bartending school in the hopes of being a cool bartender or server like my big sister (pretty sure my love of music also came from her... a good 40% of my personality probably comes from me trying to be just like my cool big sister.) In Minneapolis, you can bartend and serve alcohol from age eighteen. Not so in Chicago. So. It was either try to find a waitressing job with no experience and no connections in the city, or use the years of babysitting behind me and some fantastic references from some fantastic parents to find a nannying job. 

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Over the past few years my job has evolved quite a bit from mac and cheese and bike rides to the park. 

My money does not all go to CDs these days.

I have forgotten. Learning to pay bills and rent and for things like groceries. I budget for all these things and am so thankful that I've been able to be fully independent for these past few years. But while I've been looking for a new job (let's be honest, while I've been watching Netflix marathons and laying on a sheet by the lake in the sun reading / writing / pretending to be finding a job) I've thought of it as a painful painful chore. 

But if, instead of thinking of it as something that gets me by, if I start trying to think of finding a new job so that I can buy myself music, books, go on trips to San Fransisco.... I think that that will make it easier. If I can remember the thrill of taking that money that I earned on my very lonesome up to the cute hip older boys at the cash register at Electric Fetus and walking out of there with 12 tracks of pure pleasure, if I can harness that feeling maybe finding work will be a thrill too. 

And I will take my first paycheck and buy myself the new Arctic Monkeys album. 

Ugh, Alex Turner... I could write an entire blog post about my love for you. 

But. 

Won't ;)

Even On A Cloudy Day

Life is funny, and strange, and recently I've been reevaluating the differences between good things and bad things.

A lot of bad things have happened this year. A little over half way through and so far this has been a categorically bad year.

And yet.

And yet.

Sometimes I think that there is no such thing as a bad thing, even all the bad things. Or maybe I just think that bad things have to happen, and I find it terribly simple to accept that bad things happen. And I'm afraid that that makes me a bad person. It's not that I think bad things are good or that they don't affect me emotionally, it's just that I haven't been particularly confused. I've been shocked. Sad. Upset. Even angry. But I feel like I have this odd understanding.

I was watching Fringe with the fella last night (ps omgFringegowatchit) and my favorite character said something about being emotionally stunted. Things that bother other people don't seem to bother her as much. And sometimes I wonder if I'm emotionally stunted. Which actually makes no sense because I am an incredibly emotional person who cries at the drop of a hat and that Camp Gyno commercial just because it was was so darn good.

Maybe I just watch too much television.

I picked up my guitar the other day. The fella picked up a (seventh) bookshelf to house all our books that were scattered around the apartment and to put it in I had to move my guitar.

I never learned how to play.

My Uncle Ed tried to teach me a few times but it never took. I used to think I didn't have the musical gene but now I'm starting to think I didn't have the desire or the drive. I wish I'd spent more time with him, tried harder to learn from him. I feel like he had more to teach than I know.

  Uncle Ed's ghost bike. Go check it out.

My uncle was hilarious and sweet and one of those people who you know right away when you meet them is just filled with goodness. He gave the best hugs and the sweetest presents and even though my sister and I weren't his biological nieces he treated us just like family. In the best way possible. We always thought he would be around and when he was taken from us it felt... this is cliched but it honestly felt like a hole. Like some monster had taken a bite out of our family. 

My sister had the idea to make a ghost bike and it was a beautiful idea and a beautiful finished project and very therapeutic to make. I've seen two of these put up in my life. It's too many. 

I miss him. 

I miss Tamar. My old friend. I should've kept you closer.

Two people I was close to have passed this year. And last night I got a call from one of my closest friends telling me her mother wouldn't make it through the night. It's too much. I've never really had to deal with death like this before. Maybe it's normal not to go through certain stages for a while. Maybe it's normal to not be confused, maybe other people don't get angry or sad or shocked. I hope so anyway. 

I didn't hold them close enough. It's hard but I'm trying to try harder to keep the people I want to be close to close. 

Through these experiences and other recent experiences I have learned not to be afraid to reach out... even if you don't succeed in getting closer to someone... at least you've tried all you can and when they are gone you will have no regrets. 

You know.

You know.

I think that this is what it is. All these bad things have happened and still I am happy. Still I wake up each morning next to the love of my life. I live in an amazing city in an amazing apartment I have filled with love and books and life. I keep my eyes fixed on the sun. Even on a cloudy day. Maybe acceptance is just easier because I feel that I have such a beautiful life. 

But does that make me selfish and horrible? Being happy amongst all this pain? But I feel the pain!! And still I am happy. How the ef does that work?

Sigh. 

God, I am blessed. I feel too lucky not to look up. Like it would be a disservice to my life.

Sigh.

Keep 'em close, folks.

But Who Could Ever Live That Way

Growing up I had one goal only. There were other desires... things maybe I wanted out of life at various times in my youth, but they were time-keepers. Things to focus on while I waited for the one thing I really and truly desired.

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Recently I've been trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. Something I'm sure no other 20 something has ever had to deal with. Nope. False. This agonizing process of trying to determine what to do next involves a good deal of back tracking. So, let's go back a little while to before my last entry on this here blog and see if we can't figure something out:

-Throughout high school I wanted to be an actress. My senior year I discovered I didn't want to spend my life in that world. I would not have been happy or comfortable. It is a decision I am sure of.

-I moved away from home to get space from... well, everything. Which was good. I love Chicago and every time I go back to Minneapolis I am reminded that it is just not the place for me.

-I took a year off school. This decision I am honestly less sure of. As much as I hate to admit it.
  
-Last fall I convinced myself that I wanted to spend my life working with children after spending these last three years working with children. I applied to the University of Illinois at Chicago's psychology program in order to begin working towards a degree in child psychology. When I was rejected I let myself admit that it was never really what I wanted. I just couldn't think of anything that sounded better. I still can't.

So now what? School just seems impossible and impractical. Spending money I do not have, aka going tens of thousands of dollars into debt for a degree in something I don't even know if I'm interested in? Using all that money to figure out what I'm interested in only to find out AGAIN it isn't really what I want? Acting, psychiatry, there is a clear pattern here. Obviously I am incapable of choosing a career path that will make me happy. And I think I know why that is.

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I always wrote, even as a young child. I remember writing "novellas" in elementary school about fairies and wood nymphs. Ten-page stories that clearly reflected the world I wanted for myself. To be wild and free and... the most important thing, to be in love.

It is really and truly and honestly the only thing I ever thought or wrote about. I wanted to be in love with someone who loves me back. Whose simple presence makes me happy, and vice versa. It was and is the only desire I was ever sure of.

Probably that isn't a good thing. Probably in most people's eyes I should have "my own" goals and desires for my life that have nothing to do with another person. This is why I am struggling so much now today, I do not have things I want for me only. But the gods honest truth is that just sitting on a couch, on the floor, on the dirt in the park, just sitting and being with this man makes me feel happy and complete and content.

So it doesn't really matter what I do so long as whatever I choose allows me to be with him. And I suppose that really brings with it a certain amount of freedom.

I just feel so much pressure to find something that defines me apart from my love for another person, apart from my relationship. But should I? When it's such a loving, respectful, and kind relationship?

I don't know. Probably yes. Maybe no. I call for a 20 something cheat sheet with all the answers.


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Hopefully I'll post some more. Many things happened while you (read: I) was away. Let's see. I saw Paris, France, New Orleans, Louisiana, and New York City, New York for the first time. Two of those were stops on epic road trips, one up to NYC, the other down to New Orleans. I experienced some unexpected losses. Losses that weren't really mine but everyone's, which you'd understand if you knew the people I've lost. I got that ellipses tattoo and another of a fairy on my foot. I've plans for a couple more ;) I've got most of the major routines of being a grown-up figured out, paying bills and buying groceries that encompass a good and complete diet and everything else. Mostly. I saw some concerts and read some books and watched a lot of movies. Had a couple more new years kisses from the love of my life.

Things are so good. Sometimes I just take a breath and remind myself that whatever happens next and whatever people may think of me, I am happy. Here. Now. And sometime that may not be the case. So all these quandaries about my life and the next step... I'll let it go.

Ya hey.

Sick Kids are the Wooost

For reals.

A) It's absolutely heartbreaking.

B) It's occasionally frustrating.

C) It's inevitable that you'll get sick yourself. Which makes everything more frustrating and heartbreaking.

Here's to hoping I don't catch pneumonia.

Think Less But See It Grow

Ah, the new year.

These holidays always catch me by surprise, these two days of retrospectives and resolutions are never quite what I expect them to be. I'm not sure if I've always disliked New Years or if these past couple years have altered my opinion of the holiday. Analyzing the past to predict the future just seems so futile right now, at this point in my life when I am changing and growing oh-so-much. And it doesn't take a licensed psychiatrist to see that a lot has happened to me this year. I fell in love, I found the strength to let go of someone I never thought I'd be able to let go of, graduated high school and ran to Chicago to start some sort of grown up life.

Or maybe I just ran away.

But that's not the point ;)

The point is that something changed this New Years. I didn't feel the necessity to over analyze and make predictions, to brood on the year past. I spent this last year with the greatest man in the world, and this New Years I had my first New Years kiss with the man I want to kiss every New Years for the foreseeable future.

I am so happy. SO happy. This past year, whatever the dramatic negatives, was probably the happiest of my life. And I am so excited to see what this new year has in store for me.

Now, there was no analyzing this year but there were some resolutions made. I enjoy resolutions, they make me feel like I have a little control over this growth thing that's going on with me. So. Here are my New Years goals. Broad and attainable.


1) Get Driver's License
Or at least get the permit and start the process of license acquisition. I know in Minneapolis you have to have your permit at least 6 months before you get your license, it may be more here. My true goal is to get my permit and be well on my way to becoming a licensed driver by my next New Years post on this here blog. Which brings me to number

2) Blog Maintenance and Upkeep
Now, my goal is to blog at least once a week and have some sort of structure to those blogs. Eventually I'd like to do what I set out to -- get a camera and start posting about food and fashion, as well as my life. I'd like my posts to have more structure, I'd like to spend more time making sure they make sense. Unlike this one which I plan on posting as soon as I'm done!

3) Manage Money Better / Save More
This is a common one, and basic. I'd like to be able to take a real trip sometime, start a savings account like a real person. Not spend hundreds of unnecessary dollars on clothings and accessories.

4/5) Read and Write More
I've always kept a journal. In the past few years I've become and increasingly shazzy journalist... journaler? Anyway, I'd like to procure a new journal and write in it at least as much as I blog. If I don't I'll probably start spilling things I don't want on the internet. I probably already have. And the other is pretty common. Read more. I love books and I've always loved books. I'm reading two right now but my problem is pace. I read so slowly that by the time I'm halfway through a book another comes along that I want to read more and I don't end up finishing the first book. So. Stick to my literature commitments, and journal more consistently.

Attainable, no? I think I'll do good. But today is the last day of my vacation before going back to work, today is still a New Years holiday. I start tomorrow.

Hope everyone out there had as marvelous a New Years as I did!!!

Now for my final day of lazing about and vegging on the couch.

Two Things Good, One Thing Bad

Oh my goodness gracious, children, what a long long time it's been.

I will truly try to update more in the coming weeks.

Now, I have some things to tell you all, some news, so to speak. Two things good, one thing bad. All things very relevant to my psyche a la moment. I did something last week! As in leaving my apartment for something neither work nor shopping related! Yay! And, speaking of shopping, I bought myself a pretty epically amazing item.

Good thing #1
These guys. And also... these guys. For serious, y'all. If Mucca Pazza ever shows up in your town, go to the show. Even if they're just opening, like they were for The Dresden Dolls, it is SO worth it. A thirty piece "circus punk rock marching band?" Yes, please. They paraded through the crowd at first and jumped up and down with us with TUBAS and DRUMS in their hands.
Right, so that happens and I'm like 'Huh, let's see how The Dresden Dolls are going to top this." You see, I've never been a humongous die-hard fan of the group, but after this concert... holy shamole. Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione attack their respective instruments (she piano, he drums) as if the keys and drumsticks are the weapons they use to beat the villains they sing about. Rapists and bad parents and teachers who never gave a damn. It's teen angst at it's most raw and real and these thirty something year olds pull it off with such sincerity it... it just blows my mind. Amanda Palmer's voice and charm makes me wish I knew her when I was going through all that, because you knew that not onLy had she been there, but she goes there EVERY NIGHT when she performs. She feels what we felt and it comes out of her amazing voice and out of her fingertips onto the keys of her pianos. It's was just so beautiful. And she and Brian have beautiful stage chemistry, like brother and sister, reminding me of Jack and Meg, (who I've, sadly, never seen live, but still) and convincing me that Amanda and Neil Gaiman's relationship is safe and legit and not just a "Hey, let's spread this rumor, wouldn't they be the greatest outcast power couple?" Great. Just absolutely great. Everything about it. For serious.
This girl we were standing next to said, after Mucca Pazza went offstage and the crew were setting up for The Dresden Dolls (the set was great too, just a drum set and her piano covered in dying flowers--and a toy piano (oh, and the costumes too, she wore just a bra and high waisted pants, he just pants and a hat - h to the a to the w to the t (sorry. just hawt. or hot if we want to be totally tasteful))) this girl said "Now, that is what high school was supposed to be like." And I was thinking about that. I think the people who enjoy the music of The Dresden Dolls are the ones who wanted high school to be more punk-rock-circus-marching-band than it generally was. Slash ever was if you weren't a wacky theater kid like me. We were dissatisfied and emotional -- pissed off or sad or whatever it was, it doesn't matter. We felt it. And it kind of sucked.
So that was awesome.

And it kind of brings me to my bad thing. I miss my friends. Those kids I grew up with, all of them are so damn far away. Legitimatly. The person I'm closest to in something like 400 miles is a four year old. Besides Jeff, I mean. I miss having girlfriends to hang out with, I just thoroughly suck at making friends. Even in high school and theater where you're forced to interact with people daily I can't do it. In a HUGE city where I know no one? Yeah, right. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my boyfriend and I can talk to him about anything, but only having one person to talk to every day makes me sad sometimes, especially the whole him being male thing. He's not the type to watch romantic comedies, or eat gallons of ice cream and act incredibly silly. And I like to be that kind of girl sometimes.

So I'm getting a little homesick. Well, friendsick, I guess. But just a little, not enough to be REALLY concerning.

Okay. Okay. Good thing #2

It's a coat. Well, that's a hood, more accurately.

I bought this coat online from Urban Outfitters. Now, I'm not exactly the worlds biggest online shopper, but this guy here had free returns and it was SO cute. I love the little red riding hood thing, and it's warm and it fits me well. It really truly made me very happy. I got free shipping on it too! Pretty much the greatest thing ever. It sinches at the waist and goes out in almost a hoop sort of thing, it's cute. Sorry I can't offer you a full shot but not owning a camera at the moment this is the best i could do. I tried, but the body shots were all kind of wonky. Dirty. And my facial expression is so awk and obnoxious, it was like the 40th picture I'd taken.

Here's #41, I had to show you John and Yoko reigning over my bed, you can see the frame in the shot above and I was like, I've gotta show that off.



There they are. Sigh.

Now, this wasn't the most deep and dark and poetic post. But I'm in a good mood. Hope y'all are good as good can be.

I wish you luck!

New-Ness

Sitting in an apartment which is not just mine but ours, sitting in a big new city with big new adventures. There are bookshelves on these walls now, filled with your books and mine, married together, and OH how I love how you asked if you wanted to marry our books! Marry, what a phrase. Oh how I love you, my dearest. A shelf for the Beatles and a shelf for my graphic novels. This is my favorite room. The living room. In one corner your computer and in another the drying rack I never take down (I'll just have to put it up again next week.) I love it here. On the couch, bay window at my back, coffee's getting cold and it all just feels so real.

It's home.

The kitchen's too small and there isn't enough closet space. But it. Is. Perfect. My very first apartment shared with a man I love. How lovely.

I did it guys! You two readers who may still check up on my blog. I moved to a big new city and I've been here over a month and I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole livelong life!

To be honest, friends, I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. Not really sure what to pursue, what to do with this life of mine, in the long run. Who likes to think in long runs, though? I guess a lot of people. People who want to grow up with jobs that you title "in finance" or politicians, people with lifelong goals. I wanted to be an actress. Now I'm just not so sure.

There are so many things about that "industry" that deter me from what was once my dream. Like any industry, like the fashion industry. I've never let myself become too involved with, or even interested in fashion because there are so many things that scare me about that world. It's too powerful, too judgmental, and too vast. There's so much networking and nepotism involved in fashion and in theater and I am just not good at that kind of thing. I am shy and awkward and I LOVE that about myself. I don't want to go about changing myself for anyone or anything. Especially when I'm this happy.

I love clothes, I love art, I love expression and creativity. I love the beauty of a perfectly crafted dress and a beautifully performed monologue. I love the feeling I get when I'm onstage and I've done well, when I'm offstage and it's over and I've got that post-show high. But the reality of that theater world is just so true to it's stereotypes that I have to run away from it, at least for a little while.

And fashion. This world of fashion. It truly interests me and provokes me and I get excited thinking about it but there are just so many things... so many drawbacks. Tavi and Jane Pratt are starting this magazine. They're taking submissions to start a team and I keep thinking about it. Wanting to submit but being scared of so many things. Scared of what will happen if they like me, scared that that won't.

You should always do the things that scare you most.

I'll write more about fashion later. Think more about that later.

In other news, I've re vamped my blog. Changed a few things. I'm going to buy myself a camera and start taking outfit-shots. There are so many shazzy "fashion blogs" out there, I figure I can spare to add one to the multitude. I'll write about clothes and cooking, been doing a lot of cooking here. Mostly my I'll write about my life. My thoughts on the idea of "grown-ups," what it means to be grown up. If there really is such a thing.

I miss you all.

Talk to you soon.