I.
Am.
Incredibly
...
something.
Sad, distracted, lazy, apathetic, anxious... all accurate words to describe my current state of being. Not at all busy, quite the opposite in fact, I haven't done this little in years. I'm distracted from bartending school, disenchanted with theatre, and utterly and completely ready to be anywhere but this citytownspace.
My past few posts have read more like sad livejournal ramblings, and that is really not what I created this blog to be about.
When I started this blog I was all about moving forward into this industry, this Twin Cities theatre industry I was oh-so-fond of /curious about. My theatrical life was bustling, with ASR readings starting, auditioning for R&J and doing all the South business. I was excited about everything and doing more than I'd ever done. But it was too much. I got caught up in the action of it all and the life kind of faded out of me.
I was living in one of those shallow action films where so much happens but nothing's really going on beneath the surface. All I wanted to do was keep going and doing so that I didn't have to stop and think or breathe or really feel much of anything. Everything that's going on (epic explosions as Main Character A jumps off a building, love scene with Love Interest B) is perfectly marvelous... but the characters are shallow and the writing's trite and shitty.
So summer brings with it peace. A lull. And I start to think. And we all know how dangerous thinking is.
For once, I've actually come to a few concrete solutions.
I'm running away in the fall. Getting out of dodge, getting a change of scene. I'm going to move to a bigger city and get an apartment and a job in a brand new place. I'm going to have a soul searching adventure. I'm going to find myself before I lose myself in another theatrical endeavor. I may audition for schools out east, I may not. I might audition for shows after a while, I'm not really sure.
All I am sure of is that I can't stand the thought of being in a classroom right now. I want to feel alive; I want to be out in the world making real mistakes and not classroom textbooks B- mistakes. I want to get off the computer and rollerblade around the lake because rollerblading is the greatest activity man has ever come up with. I want to eat a lot of wacky foods and play with the people I love. That's what I want. I want to be with the people I love doing things I love and learning by actually BEING!!! AND FUCKING UP! I love fucking up.
I fuck up more than most people and apologize a helluva lot less. I'm just good at hiding it sometimes. Hello. Actress.
I'm probably making huge mistakes by running away to work and not go to school. I plan on going to school eventually, I really really do. I know that it will always be there and I will one day be ready for it. But that day is not today.
And I don't want to use this blog as a journal anymore.
So it may be a while.
While I take this trip.
Before you hear from me again.
Wish me luck.
