Song Lyric

We have sort of talked about music before. And if you haven't noticed, my posts are most usually titled from song lyrics. Because I listen to a lot of music. I love listening to music more than I love almost anything else in the world. I don't need to be doing anything else if I've found good music to lay on my bed and listen to.

I truly think there is something beautiful when. When. Okay I wrote this thing. Sometimes I write these things that aren't really poems but more just like prose with funny spacing, but I was trying to express it like a real person and I think this just does it better. Don't make fun of me. I fail. But it's okay because I wasn't really trying.


there is a magical feeling of

connectedness

for someone as unconnected as myself

when an artist writes words that speak to your soul

as though they were written just for you

and the fact that hundreds of thousands of other

gals

feel the very same way

does

nothing 

to deter or interrupt your connection

with this complete stranger

who expresses your own deepest emotions

better than you could ever dream to

It is a thing that I think and I feel about often. So. Here are the lyrics that are scrawled in the margins of my journal. Some of them. Anyways. 

Full disclosure. All I've been listening to recently are the new Arctic Monkeys and Cold War Kids albums... so it's mostly them. 

"I once knew a girl, in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth, but in the morning i fled, left a note and it read: someday you will be loved." Death Cab for Cutie-- Someday You Will Be Loved

"But that place on memory lane you like still looks the same but something about it's changed." Arctic Monkeys-- Fireside

"And i want to tell you my thoughts, but my thoughts are scattered like crows" Cold War Kids-- Fear & Trembling

"It's hard to get around the wind." alex turner

"I'm not the same kid, i grew up. Did i? Or did i get stuck?" Cold War Kids--- Bottled Affection... truly I think I may have accidentally quoted this in my last post. I've listened to this song probably ten million times in the past two weeks. 

"My solitude it makes me softer, my suffering is not in vain." Cold War Kids--- Jailbirds

"Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost. Heavy is the cost." Stars-- Personal 

"I'm at war with head vs heart, and it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks before i know what it will say." Death Cab for Cutie-- Crooked Teeth

"I know i can't stay here too long, cause i can't go a week without doing wrong." The Devil Makes Three (who are coming to First Ave, who's going with me?)---- Ol No 7

"Fuck this place! I lost the war, I hate you all, Your mom's a whore. Wheres my dog? Girls are such a drag." Blink 182--- Dysentary Gary

That last one's a joke. Mainly. 

Also pretty much this entire song was a ridiculous part of my life for a while, have I ever mentioned Alex Turner? Ha. Also the video's really cool. Really any Arctic Monkeys video. If you're into that kind of thing. Oh, and this. Cold War Kids. Song. There is no music video for it... but the one you make up in your head will be better anyway. 

I hope that everyone is listening to music that makes them feel all the feels, like they are a part of the universe. I'm all about that shit. Obviously. 

Ta.

But You Deny You Ever Lied

Well.

Hello.

Since my last post I have been lounging around my parents house all day, occasionally going out at night and just kind of basically being. Bike rides around Lake Nokomis, walks to the Minnehaha Falls. Making yummy foods with my mommy, trips to our corner grocery Oxendale's (it will always be Jubilee in my brain) and the library. 

Something about the small town vibe of this city and the fact that I have so much history and nostalgia connected with this place... I will never "settle down" here. If I ever settle anywhere. But I am excited to spend a few years re-learning this city as an adult. Everything feels so big and exciting and ripe with promises of new experiences. Places I remember from my childhood, instead of feeling smaller, feel so much more complex and interesting looking at them through my adult eyes. 

I do not feel like I lost anything "growing up." It has been something I've been thinking about recently. Wether or not I have actually "grown up" and if so did I do it good? Am I a real, good, grown up adult person? Or am I stuck? And if so is there something wrong with that? I do not mean in the context of having no job and living with my parents, I mean it in a broader context of making life decisions that benefit me and my general humanity in the long run. I know that I need to get a job, and I have a pal who's most likely going to hook me up, and I'm actually even excited about that. What I am less sure of is whether or not I'm capable of being a good person. 

Regardless of age, or stasis in the "grown-up" continuum. 

Anyways. It has been really nice to just take a break. After working 50+ hours weekly for the last three years, and having all my free time basically filled by a boy... it is nice to just be with myself for a little while. I have been journalling like a maniac, people-watching like a pro, and really trying to learn and figure out all I can about myself and this world I live in. Trying to push my little bubble, going out and interacting with people. It's hard for me. I am 75% social anxiety. But I am really and truly working on it. Maybe it's incredibly self-centered of me... but I'm honestly trying to better myself. 

Ha! Sometimes, read most of the time, I feel like every other newly 20something out there. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. We're in it together, folks! 

This is water. 

It's ten minutes long but watch it, it will change your life. For real. I just started crying in the library. Slays me. 

Love you all. 

The Night Comes Crawling In On All Fours Sucking Up My Dreams Through The Floor

It is always strange to be back here.

The first couple days felt like any visit I have made over the past few years. But yesterday everything started to shift, slightly.

My Saturday was empty. In the morning I called up my most dear bestest friend to see what was up and we ended up going to the dump (!! more on that exciting adventure later!!)  and on a couple errands together. It was the kind of sudden spontaneity that is both minuscule and meaningful. Incredibly easy to take for granted when you live in a city full of pals, but something that I missed profoundly in Chicago. The fact that I can just call up friends when I have nothing to do makes me thoroughly happy.

This coupled with the fact that I am legitimately once more living in my parents home cemented the reality of my return. Not that I mind living with my parents, they are great people and incredibly generous to be housing me during my little transitional period. My sister is in town right now, so it still feels mainly like any other vacation, but all my crap laying around the house, my room stuffed with suitcases and boxes... there is a reality to it. A finality.

Goodness gracious sakes alive, you guys, I have been having the BEST time!! I went to get mani-pedis with my sister, a completely and utterly new experience for me which was really unbelievably delightful. Visited the falls for a good long while, my old sanctuary. It was nice, it was beautiful actually, to be back there. I felt more relaxed than I have in ages. I went to the dump! Okay. Secret time you guys. It wasn't actually the dump. But it was a place where you go and they weigh your car and then you go throw your shit in piles of other people's shit. Gross. Sorry. We threw some doors and a sink thing and some other things and I had an embarrassing amount of fun. I saw my oldest bestest pal (I will refer to all my friends as my bestest friends. Because they all are.) and went to a weird party and totally put myself out of my comfort zone. Which is a goal I have. And then today I had the BEST shopping day ever. Like painfully good. Spending money I don't have. Probably one of my favorite things to do.

Really, you guys, I've been having the best days.

Nights are hard. But that's another story.

My goal is to do something new every day. So far, since Friday anyway, I have met that goal. I want to do new and spontaneous things that put me out of my comfort zone and hopefully help me to grow and learn about myself. My other, broader, more real goals are to find a job, an apartment, and eventually finish my degree. Degree in what you ask? No freaking clue. Something useless and fun that I will enjoy learning about. Like linguistics or creative writing or something. I like those word things.

You guys.

You guys.

I am so happy. This is so good.

Thanks for supporting my silly little life, you guys.

More soon.

And I Had All The Dreams

A little while ago I made the most difficult decision of my life. I shocked and surprised myself with a realization that I knew somewhere in the crevices of my heart was brewing for a long long time. Even though there is a part of me that still wants this life I've been living, I know that it is not what I need. So I am packing up my things and moving back to Minneapolis. For a little while anyway.

I have been in an utterly serious, completely committed relationship for the past going on four years. (It wasn't totally serious and completely committed for the first bit, but it was always pretty intense.) I moved to Chicago three years ago to be with the man I loved. And I have been happy. He makes me so happy. But you know what? It's hard, and terrifying, and I don't want to be in one relationship from the time that I was seventeen years old. I need to be on my own, to see what else is out there, to learn how to make MYSELF happy. I didn't want to feel like this. It feels like throwing away something extremely special. And maybe it is. But I need to know all the other special things that are out there in the world for me. 

Also I cannot express the joy I feel knowing that I will be back in the city where all my friends and family live. 

Over these past three years I have learned and experienced so much, and if I had met this man ten years from now, maybe it would be forever. But I just can't handle forever right now. 

All this said, I will genuinely smack anyone in the face who says that these past three years have been a mistake or a waste. I moved to a city where I didn't know anyone, cut off all financial ties to my parents when I was 18, and I fucking flourished. I made good money, found a great apartment in a great part of the city, made it into a home where I could be happy for three years. I learned what it's like to live with a man, to be in a serious relationship. I learned how to communicate honestly and openly with a partner, even when it's hard. I learned how to drive! To cook! To budget and pay bills! And I had fun. 

I drove from Chicago to New York City. I drove from Chicago to New Orleans. I went hiking and walking and biking all around the city. Ate at a million restaurants, visited a bunch of museums. Ooo, boy I will miss The Art Institute Of Chicago. 

It's been great.

But the next chapter of my life will be great too.

Hit me up if you're in the cities!!