But Who Could Ever Live That Way

Growing up I had one goal only. There were other desires... things maybe I wanted out of life at various times in my youth, but they were time-keepers. Things to focus on while I waited for the one thing I really and truly desired.

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Recently I've been trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. Something I'm sure no other 20 something has ever had to deal with. Nope. False. This agonizing process of trying to determine what to do next involves a good deal of back tracking. So, let's go back a little while to before my last entry on this here blog and see if we can't figure something out:

-Throughout high school I wanted to be an actress. My senior year I discovered I didn't want to spend my life in that world. I would not have been happy or comfortable. It is a decision I am sure of.

-I moved away from home to get space from... well, everything. Which was good. I love Chicago and every time I go back to Minneapolis I am reminded that it is just not the place for me.

-I took a year off school. This decision I am honestly less sure of. As much as I hate to admit it.
  
-Last fall I convinced myself that I wanted to spend my life working with children after spending these last three years working with children. I applied to the University of Illinois at Chicago's psychology program in order to begin working towards a degree in child psychology. When I was rejected I let myself admit that it was never really what I wanted. I just couldn't think of anything that sounded better. I still can't.

So now what? School just seems impossible and impractical. Spending money I do not have, aka going tens of thousands of dollars into debt for a degree in something I don't even know if I'm interested in? Using all that money to figure out what I'm interested in only to find out AGAIN it isn't really what I want? Acting, psychiatry, there is a clear pattern here. Obviously I am incapable of choosing a career path that will make me happy. And I think I know why that is.

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I always wrote, even as a young child. I remember writing "novellas" in elementary school about fairies and wood nymphs. Ten-page stories that clearly reflected the world I wanted for myself. To be wild and free and... the most important thing, to be in love.

It is really and truly and honestly the only thing I ever thought or wrote about. I wanted to be in love with someone who loves me back. Whose simple presence makes me happy, and vice versa. It was and is the only desire I was ever sure of.

Probably that isn't a good thing. Probably in most people's eyes I should have "my own" goals and desires for my life that have nothing to do with another person. This is why I am struggling so much now today, I do not have things I want for me only. But the gods honest truth is that just sitting on a couch, on the floor, on the dirt in the park, just sitting and being with this man makes me feel happy and complete and content.

So it doesn't really matter what I do so long as whatever I choose allows me to be with him. And I suppose that really brings with it a certain amount of freedom.

I just feel so much pressure to find something that defines me apart from my love for another person, apart from my relationship. But should I? When it's such a loving, respectful, and kind relationship?

I don't know. Probably yes. Maybe no. I call for a 20 something cheat sheet with all the answers.


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Hopefully I'll post some more. Many things happened while you (read: I) was away. Let's see. I saw Paris, France, New Orleans, Louisiana, and New York City, New York for the first time. Two of those were stops on epic road trips, one up to NYC, the other down to New Orleans. I experienced some unexpected losses. Losses that weren't really mine but everyone's, which you'd understand if you knew the people I've lost. I got that ellipses tattoo and another of a fairy on my foot. I've plans for a couple more ;) I've got most of the major routines of being a grown-up figured out, paying bills and buying groceries that encompass a good and complete diet and everything else. Mostly. I saw some concerts and read some books and watched a lot of movies. Had a couple more new years kisses from the love of my life.

Things are so good. Sometimes I just take a breath and remind myself that whatever happens next and whatever people may think of me, I am happy. Here. Now. And sometime that may not be the case. So all these quandaries about my life and the next step... I'll let it go.

Ya hey.