A few years ago I started hating birthdays. I started contemplating what it meant to grow up and, not coming to any concrete conclusions, decided whatever it meant I didn't like it. So I read Peter Pan and fantasized about running away to Neverland and forgot all about what it actually meant to grow up.
In four days I turn eighteen. I've been trying real hard not to think about it and to hide behind the old "Eighteen is a number, it does not make me an adult." thing, but it just ain't working. There are many things that worry me about turning eighteen, typical things. Seventeen is a really good wall to hide behind, tell a creeper you're underage and they tend to back off (not that I can't lie, it's just easier when it's honest). It's a safety blanket from the world of responsibility.
I hate responsibility. And growing up means responsibility. But I've always been incredibly self-sufficient and I have no problem with doing what I need to do to survive on my own. Working legit jobs, paying reallivegrownuptype bills, feeding myself, those things scare me quite a bit, but they aren't what really bothers me.
So what it means to grow up:
1) More responsibility. That sucks but I can easily accept it.
2) And this is where I get sad. I won't be able to get into Neverland or Narnia, and, even though it's silly, that thought really makes me sad. And I'm not even sure if I could get in today, I might be too grown already.
So what marks being grown enough not to get into Narnia? When do you stop being able to fly?
Let's consult the expert:
"Why can't you fly now, mother?"
"Because I'm grown up, dearest. When people grow up they forget the way."
"Why do they forget the way?"
"Because they are no longer gay and innocent and heartless. It is only the gay and innocent and heartless that can fly."
So am I gay, innocent, and heartless? I try to be as gay and heartless as possible, but sometimes... I'm not. I get sad a lot, I always have, and sometimes the reality of the world bogs me down. And innocent? I've pretty much been there done that when it comes to falling in love and getting my heart broken, I've seen and dealt with grief, and physically I'm pretty darn growed. I don't know that I am innocent and gay and heartless, but Wendy, does that really mean that I can't fly? Or is the only reason you couldn't you didn't believe you could?
She didn't even try.
And I legitimately do believe in fairies and a world of make-believe come true, and I understand that there are things that are beautiful about being an adult that children don't really experience. But it breaks my heart to think that I can't get into Narnia or Neverland, and I refuse to accept that just because I've experienced adult things that children never will, I will never go back there. Maybe if I believe I can get there even though I'm older and wiser now... maybe Peter can still fly in through my window and carry me away.
This boy I used to love, my bestest friend in the whole wide world who I haven't talked to in ages and who I'm probably growing apart from finally, said something in his blog when he was going through this same thing. He said "Growing up isn't realizing magic isn't real, it's believing in it anyways." And that was okay for me then because I didn't have to grow up because he was old and I wasn't.
But now I'm thinking about it. And sorry, kid, that ain't it.
I believe in magic. Neverland will always float around in my brain with fairies and mermaids and pirate ships. I will never stop believing in that magic and I think that there are a lot of adults that believe too. Or at the very least I hope that there are. And if that's what it means to grow up then I think there are a lot of adults that aren't "grown-ups" and if that's true then you can grow without growing up.
I don't ever want to stop growing, because I believe that this world is a beautiful place with so much to offer, and every second I spend doing something new I grow a little.
But I still dream about floating on oceans with mermaids and flying around with fairies. And I believe it's more than a dream.
I can see people laughing as they read this.
But that's okay.
That's me.
I'm a lost girl, and I will never grow up.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
That place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming...
Up until yesterday this was my plan:
Defer admission from the UofM (slash utilize their application review program) until next fall and take a loverly year off. Use that year to work and save up money and then go to college like a respectable young woman.
Now, I'm the type of person who likes a plan, and I don't really like to admit it. It's not like I was that obnoxious twelve year old who walked around with portfolio in hand talking about her five-year plan.... But I totally had a five year plan. Even a ten year plan. And that plan was always changing but it always changed from something concrete to something else concrete.
So when I got this phone call saying my request for deferral was denied... for the first time I felt like I had no idea what I was going to do. I still don't, not really, and that scares me. Part of me feels like I totally messed up my life because I was too damn lazy to fill out financial aid forms.
No, I know that's not true.
And as I'm writing this, I think maybe it was meant to be. I don't want to go to the U, I don't really want to go to any university... or if I do, one with a conservatory program. Acting is what I want to do, it's always been what I've wanted to do. I think I had this misconception that it would be pretentious and needlessly difficult to go to a conservatory or even just a training program. But I think I need some difficult (I'll try and steer clear of the pretentious bit though) There's a lot I need to learn about this acting thing and there's this whole big shell I need to break out of.
I've been thinking about New York City.
A lot.
I've been thinking about everything. My life. How I'm not very happy with it at this point. I think I've never really taken the time to imagine what the next few years living on my own and starting school will be like. I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing nothing with my life because all I've ever wanted to do is act and they all say that's not really a career. But it's the only career I've ever wanted.
So.
New plan:
Take a year off, a legitimate year off. Work a lot (meaning find some sort of paying real-life job--I'm thinking nanny by day, bartender by night. Sounds cool enough), sleep a lot, read a lot of plays and books and word-like things. In the fall, take a trip to NYC- tour schools I think look good and decide whether or not I like the city.
Now, this is the shaky bit.
After that first year off, I will either start school right away (depending on things like money and preparedness, etc.) or I will go live and work in New York for a year, checking it out, making sure it's a good place for me. My loverly lover recently got some good results from a website called greataupair.com and I was thinking about maybe au pair-ing in NYC for a year before school.
I know what you're saying "One year off turns into two, and before you know it it's nine or twelve!" This is what I'm afraid of. This and running out of money, not being as determined as I think I am, my laziness, etc.
I've never felt so lonely in my whole life... and now I'm moving away to be really truly on my own.
In one week I will be 18 years old. I feel like such a stereotype.
Blech....
Okay, scrap all that here's my plan:
Go curl up with the lovely giant bear I traded (for the love of my life, Slush) from a dear dear little lady and go to sleep to some soft music and lots of cuddly blankets.
Good plan?
I think so.
Goodnight, world.
Defer admission from the UofM (slash utilize their application review program) until next fall and take a loverly year off. Use that year to work and save up money and then go to college like a respectable young woman.
Now, I'm the type of person who likes a plan, and I don't really like to admit it. It's not like I was that obnoxious twelve year old who walked around with portfolio in hand talking about her five-year plan.... But I totally had a five year plan. Even a ten year plan. And that plan was always changing but it always changed from something concrete to something else concrete.
So when I got this phone call saying my request for deferral was denied... for the first time I felt like I had no idea what I was going to do. I still don't, not really, and that scares me. Part of me feels like I totally messed up my life because I was too damn lazy to fill out financial aid forms.
No, I know that's not true.
And as I'm writing this, I think maybe it was meant to be. I don't want to go to the U, I don't really want to go to any university... or if I do, one with a conservatory program. Acting is what I want to do, it's always been what I've wanted to do. I think I had this misconception that it would be pretentious and needlessly difficult to go to a conservatory or even just a training program. But I think I need some difficult (I'll try and steer clear of the pretentious bit though) There's a lot I need to learn about this acting thing and there's this whole big shell I need to break out of.
I've been thinking about New York City.
A lot.
I've been thinking about everything. My life. How I'm not very happy with it at this point. I think I've never really taken the time to imagine what the next few years living on my own and starting school will be like. I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing nothing with my life because all I've ever wanted to do is act and they all say that's not really a career. But it's the only career I've ever wanted.
So.
New plan:
Take a year off, a legitimate year off. Work a lot (meaning find some sort of paying real-life job--I'm thinking nanny by day, bartender by night. Sounds cool enough), sleep a lot, read a lot of plays and books and word-like things. In the fall, take a trip to NYC- tour schools I think look good and decide whether or not I like the city.
Now, this is the shaky bit.
After that first year off, I will either start school right away (depending on things like money and preparedness, etc.) or I will go live and work in New York for a year, checking it out, making sure it's a good place for me. My loverly lover recently got some good results from a website called greataupair.com and I was thinking about maybe au pair-ing in NYC for a year before school.
I know what you're saying "One year off turns into two, and before you know it it's nine or twelve!" This is what I'm afraid of. This and running out of money, not being as determined as I think I am, my laziness, etc.
I've never felt so lonely in my whole life... and now I'm moving away to be really truly on my own.
In one week I will be 18 years old. I feel like such a stereotype.
Blech....
Okay, scrap all that here's my plan:
Go curl up with the lovely giant bear I traded (for the love of my life, Slush) from a dear dear little lady and go to sleep to some soft music and lots of cuddly blankets.
Good plan?
I think so.
Goodnight, world.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Lower than Deep
One thing that saddens me: I cannot remember the last time I read an entire book.
I used to read all the time, and I mean all the time. Teachers would yell at me, not for talking in class or causing a disruption, but for reading while they're trying to talk at us. And all of a sudden I don't even have the goddamn energy to read a book.
And theater? God, theater used to be the only thing... the ONLY thing that could jerk me out from that hole of self pity and teenage angst. I would get on that stage and whatever heartbreak or misery I was feeling would just float off me as my character and the energy of the show took me away. It was an escape, it was always an escape but it was also the only thing I ever really LOVED doing.
And now it's so real. The rest of my life is happening now, I have to graduate high school and move out of my parents home and be a big girl now. I've been waiting to do that for years but I didn't think how it would impact... everything else. Theater. My escape. Now it's my life and it's another stress and more pressure and more responsibility and another grown up detail for my new grown up life.
It's really scary. But it's always been scary. All of a sudden I feel too small and insignificant to fit in there. And I don't really have the energy, or the bravery, to even try.
And maybe I'm whining and being bratty and stupid and I should be thankful for everything that I have and, believe me, BELIEVE ME, I am so so grateful for this life. And I know that I've got more and I've come farther than most kids my own age, and yes that looks good and yes I'm mature and "old for my years" but I. Am. Still. Just. A. Child.
And right now I feel like everything that my life used to be is changing. Including that place that idea of a place that used to be my sanctuary my safe place. It's tainted with the drama and stupidity of my "trying to be as old as they think I am" and it all just seems kid of wrong.
And I wish I could relax. My shoulders hurt from being up to my ears.
I used to read all the time, and I mean all the time. Teachers would yell at me, not for talking in class or causing a disruption, but for reading while they're trying to talk at us. And all of a sudden I don't even have the goddamn energy to read a book.
And theater? God, theater used to be the only thing... the ONLY thing that could jerk me out from that hole of self pity and teenage angst. I would get on that stage and whatever heartbreak or misery I was feeling would just float off me as my character and the energy of the show took me away. It was an escape, it was always an escape but it was also the only thing I ever really LOVED doing.
And now it's so real. The rest of my life is happening now, I have to graduate high school and move out of my parents home and be a big girl now. I've been waiting to do that for years but I didn't think how it would impact... everything else. Theater. My escape. Now it's my life and it's another stress and more pressure and more responsibility and another grown up detail for my new grown up life.
It's really scary. But it's always been scary. All of a sudden I feel too small and insignificant to fit in there. And I don't really have the energy, or the bravery, to even try.
And maybe I'm whining and being bratty and stupid and I should be thankful for everything that I have and, believe me, BELIEVE ME, I am so so grateful for this life. And I know that I've got more and I've come farther than most kids my own age, and yes that looks good and yes I'm mature and "old for my years" but I. Am. Still. Just. A. Child.
And right now I feel like everything that my life used to be is changing. Including that place that idea of a place that used to be my sanctuary my safe place. It's tainted with the drama and stupidity of my "trying to be as old as they think I am" and it all just seems kid of wrong.
And I wish I could relax. My shoulders hurt from being up to my ears.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Carlos Castaneda
My hands are falling apart.
Layers and layers of my nails are peel peeling off and it looks like someone took a tiny little axe to my cuticuls. My scar is pink and white and it almost looks as if it's glowing... as though something from inside wants me to pay attention to it.
They say that if you want to control yourself in your dreams you just have to look down at your hands.
I think my hands would scare me awake.
Layers and layers of my nails are peel peeling off and it looks like someone took a tiny little axe to my cuticuls. My scar is pink and white and it almost looks as if it's glowing... as though something from inside wants me to pay attention to it.
They say that if you want to control yourself in your dreams you just have to look down at your hands.
I think my hands would scare me awake.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-CHERRY BOMB
Here we go, kids! This is my aunt Ivy's recipe, I believe she actually used it for a catering company she ran at one time. And, fun fact, it was my aunt and uncle's wedding cake!!
THE CRUST
Ingredients:
1c. flour
1/4c. sugar
1/2tsp grated lemon peel
8tbsp(1 stick) butter
1 slightly beaten egg yolk
Combine flour, sugar, and lemon peel. Cut butter until crumbly.
Add egg yolk, mix well.
Pat 1/3 of dough onto the bottom of an 8inch springform pan, sides removed. Seriously, remove the sides. It is not fun if you forget. Also, you will probably end up needing about 1/2 the dough, which is completely fine, do not fret, friends.
Bake this at 400 degrees for 7min. Cool.
While this is going on, you can start on the filling and then, once the pan is cool, do the sides.
The sides: butter the sides of pan and attach it to the bottom. Then pat the remaining dough on sides to a height of at least 1 3/4inches.
FILLING
Ingredients:
5 8oz packages cream cheese (softened)
1/4tsp vanilla
1/2tsp grated lemon peel
1 3/4c. sugar
3tbsp flour
1/4tsp salt
5 eggs
2 egg yolks
1/4c. heavy cream
Beat cream cheese until creamy, add vanilla and lemon peel. Mix sugar, flour, and salt; blend into cheese mixture. Add eggs and egg yolks all at once, beat until just creamy. Gently stir in heavy cream.
Turn into crust lined pan.
Bake at 450 degrees for 10minutes. Reduce heat to 300 degrees, bake 55 minutes, or until center appears set.
Remove from oven, cool for 15 minutes. Loosen sides of cake from pan, either with the little thing if you have a pan that has a little thing (teeheehee), or with a spatula. Cool 1/2 hour longer, remove sides of pan.
YAY!!! YOU DID IT!!!
Now you can decorate it with whatever sort of loverly toppings you want. I went with berries to go along with the whole Springtime thing.
Love. Love love love.
In other news I had a fantabulous sleepover with my loverly lover last night, we had our annual take-a-lot-of-stupid-teenager-y-pictures-of-ourselves evening. But I had just found this AWESOME top in my sister's closet that I am going to wear every day for the rest of my life.
Thems is cherries!!! Fo sho!!!
I also decided that what I really want to do with my life is become a rock star.
So that's that.
Enjoy the cake, folks!!!
THE CRUST
Ingredients:
1c. flour
1/4c. sugar
1/2tsp grated lemon peel
8tbsp(1 stick) butter
1 slightly beaten egg yolk
Combine flour, sugar, and lemon peel. Cut butter until crumbly.
Add egg yolk, mix well.
Pat 1/3 of dough onto the bottom of an 8inch springform pan, sides removed. Seriously, remove the sides. It is not fun if you forget. Also, you will probably end up needing about 1/2 the dough, which is completely fine, do not fret, friends.
Bake this at 400 degrees for 7min. Cool.
While this is going on, you can start on the filling and then, once the pan is cool, do the sides.
The sides: butter the sides of pan and attach it to the bottom. Then pat the remaining dough on sides to a height of at least 1 3/4inches.
FILLING
Ingredients:
5 8oz packages cream cheese (softened)
1/4tsp vanilla
1/2tsp grated lemon peel
1 3/4c. sugar
3tbsp flour
1/4tsp salt
5 eggs
2 egg yolks
1/4c. heavy cream
Beat cream cheese until creamy, add vanilla and lemon peel. Mix sugar, flour, and salt; blend into cheese mixture. Add eggs and egg yolks all at once, beat until just creamy. Gently stir in heavy cream.
Turn into crust lined pan.
Bake at 450 degrees for 10minutes. Reduce heat to 300 degrees, bake 55 minutes, or until center appears set.
Remove from oven, cool for 15 minutes. Loosen sides of cake from pan, either with the little thing if you have a pan that has a little thing (teeheehee), or with a spatula. Cool 1/2 hour longer, remove sides of pan.
YAY!!! YOU DID IT!!!
Now you can decorate it with whatever sort of loverly toppings you want. I went with berries to go along with the whole Springtime thing.
Love. Love love love.
In other news I had a fantabulous sleepover with my loverly lover last night, we had our annual take-a-lot-of-stupid-teenager-y-pictures-of-ourselves evening. But I had just found this AWESOME top in my sister's closet that I am going to wear every day for the rest of my life.
Thems is cherries!!! Fo sho!!!
I also decided that what I really want to do with my life is become a rock star.
So that's that.
Enjoy the cake, folks!!!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Pretty In Pink
My life thus far:
A lot has happened.
I started to write a history of my theatrical life and it turned out to be much more extensive than I had presumed it would be.
And so.
Bullet points it shall be.
-Childhood = dreams of being a fairy
-Age 9ish, classes at Children's Theatre Company... dismal failure... an acting dry spell after that.
-High school = cast as a lead in the first show i audition for, as a freshman. This is a big deal. Sophomore year is rather personally intense and I lay off on the onstage drama for some of my own. Junior and Senior year are more theatrically abundant.
-Last summer, summer after Junior year, i get cast as an intern at Acadia Repertory Theatre. My aunt and uncle manage it. Spend ten weeks in a house with nine other actors in Bar Harbor Maine, miles away from my parents ;) Changed my life.
-I get back from Maine and, that week, audition for the first show of the season at South, my high school. Rabbit Hole. Get cast as the lead.
-This show is directed by a director I worked with the previous year, on The Seagull. During rehearsals for Rabbit Hole he asks me to audition for a Shakespeare company he's putting together. I do. I get in. I become an actress and assistant director for American Shakespeare Repertory.
-ASR is my first professional gig. Actually that depends. Does it count as professional if you're not getting paid? I say it does. Thus my next bullet point.
-I recently auditioned for Coin Purse Theatre's Romeo and Juliet. I was cast as Juliet. This was (is) a really big deal for me. A) It's my professional gig (full production, ASR does readings) and B) It's Juliet.
And... that's my career thus far. Aren't you glad I didn't go into as much detail as I wanted to?
Anyway. I start rehearsal for R&J on Monday.
That's pretty much my life right now.
That and tomorrow I'm making a cheesecake. You best believe it funna be my first food post.
And I got my hair cut. Slash my lovely lover cut it for me.
And two people in one day told me I look like Molly Ringwald. I was like "Pretty In Pink Molly Ringwald, or 2010 Molly Ringwald at the Oscars?" She's actually insane now, I'm pretty sure.
But I love me some John Hughes, so I take it as a Pretty In Pink-esque compliment :)
Well folks, now you're all caught up on me.
Stay tuned, kids, the greatest cheesecake ever's comin your way!!
A lot has happened.
I started to write a history of my theatrical life and it turned out to be much more extensive than I had presumed it would be.
And so.
Bullet points it shall be.
-Childhood = dreams of being a fairy
-Age 9ish, classes at Children's Theatre Company... dismal failure... an acting dry spell after that.
-High school = cast as a lead in the first show i audition for, as a freshman. This is a big deal. Sophomore year is rather personally intense and I lay off on the onstage drama for some of my own. Junior and Senior year are more theatrically abundant.
-Last summer, summer after Junior year, i get cast as an intern at Acadia Repertory Theatre. My aunt and uncle manage it. Spend ten weeks in a house with nine other actors in Bar Harbor Maine, miles away from my parents ;) Changed my life.
-I get back from Maine and, that week, audition for the first show of the season at South, my high school. Rabbit Hole. Get cast as the lead.
-This show is directed by a director I worked with the previous year, on The Seagull. During rehearsals for Rabbit Hole he asks me to audition for a Shakespeare company he's putting together. I do. I get in. I become an actress and assistant director for American Shakespeare Repertory.
-ASR is my first professional gig. Actually that depends. Does it count as professional if you're not getting paid? I say it does. Thus my next bullet point.
-I recently auditioned for Coin Purse Theatre's Romeo and Juliet. I was cast as Juliet. This was (is) a really big deal for me. A) It's my professional gig (full production, ASR does readings) and B) It's Juliet.
And... that's my career thus far. Aren't you glad I didn't go into as much detail as I wanted to?
Anyway. I start rehearsal for R&J on Monday.
That's pretty much my life right now.
That and tomorrow I'm making a cheesecake. You best believe it funna be my first food post.
And I got my hair cut. Slash my lovely lover cut it for me.
And two people in one day told me I look like Molly Ringwald. I was like "Pretty In Pink Molly Ringwald, or 2010 Molly Ringwald at the Oscars?" She's actually insane now, I'm pretty sure.
But I love me some John Hughes, so I take it as a Pretty In Pink-esque compliment :)
Well folks, now you're all caught up on me.
Stay tuned, kids, the greatest cheesecake ever's comin your way!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)