I Lived For A Year In The Bed By The Window

Moments ago I gladly paid the one-time fee of $29.95 to have my address changed by the US Postal Service. (Edit: Yeah, I got scammed. Whatevsies, it happens.)

Everything is always so new and different.

I've been caught up in a complete and utter whirlwind of new experiences since I've been back. I've been trying to say yes to every opportunity and push myself to do new things and grow as a person. I've been talking and thinking a lot about growing, which I suppose is fitting with the title and idea behind my blog. My philosophy, which I'm not sure I've actually talked about here before, but I probably actually have, is that we never stop growing. That the idea of being "all grown up" is a complete misnomer because we are never entirely finished growing up.

Every day is ripe with possibility and new-ness, if you open yourself up to the opportunity. Big things, like moving into a new house, and little things, like trying a new food or meeting someone new, it all changes you. And I think that that's beautiful. I believe in taking risks and pushing your own boundaries. And that is what I've been trying to do recently.

But. Dear friends. That said. There is something profoundly tiring and terrifying about attempting to stretch your definition of yourself. It is not an easy thing to do. Just as staying positive and optimistic about the world, your life, and the future is not an easy task to take. But this is the way I want to live my life. I want to be constantly growing and learning and still retain my positivity if I can.

A crucial part of this is giving myself allowances. Sometimes I'ma get sad. Sometimes I'm gonna need to be alone and not go drinking until 2am. I have been feeling recently like I have to find and learn all the answers right away. I'm constantly afraid of doing something wrong or being perceived as something negative because I don't always know how to behave in social settings. I've never felt at ease in social situations,\ and in pushing myself to be a more sociable person, I feel that I've been really hard on myself. I just need to realize that it's a process. Life. That nothing will come easy right away, and I need to give myself some time and not be so harsh on myself.

My tattoo, on my neck, is a reminder of that. That in the (...) spaces between things, when it is silent and calm and nothing appears to be happening, that is when we allow ourselves to really grow. To take a breath, take it in, let it settle inside us. Whatever it is. A new experience, something emotional someone says, a change in relationship, or a change of setting. It is vital to be calm. After you let the chaos of the world change you.

So. I'm trying. To find a balance.

But, you know, it's a process.

I hope that you're all happy and well.

Thanks for listening.