Up until yesterday this was my plan:
Defer admission from the UofM (slash utilize their application review program) until next fall and take a loverly year off. Use that year to work and save up money and then go to college like a respectable young woman.
Now, I'm the type of person who likes a plan, and I don't really like to admit it. It's not like I was that obnoxious twelve year old who walked around with portfolio in hand talking about her five-year plan.... But I totally had a five year plan. Even a ten year plan. And that plan was always changing but it always changed from something concrete to something else concrete.
So when I got this phone call saying my request for deferral was denied... for the first time I felt like I had no idea what I was going to do. I still don't, not really, and that scares me. Part of me feels like I totally messed up my life because I was too damn lazy to fill out financial aid forms.
No, I know that's not true.
And as I'm writing this, I think maybe it was meant to be. I don't want to go to the U, I don't really want to go to any university... or if I do, one with a conservatory program. Acting is what I want to do, it's always been what I've wanted to do. I think I had this misconception that it would be pretentious and needlessly difficult to go to a conservatory or even just a training program. But I think I need some difficult (I'll try and steer clear of the pretentious bit though) There's a lot I need to learn about this acting thing and there's this whole big shell I need to break out of.
I've been thinking about New York City.
A lot.
I've been thinking about everything. My life. How I'm not very happy with it at this point. I think I've never really taken the time to imagine what the next few years living on my own and starting school will be like. I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing nothing with my life because all I've ever wanted to do is act and they all say that's not really a career. But it's the only career I've ever wanted.
So.
New plan:
Take a year off, a legitimate year off. Work a lot (meaning find some sort of paying real-life job--I'm thinking nanny by day, bartender by night. Sounds cool enough), sleep a lot, read a lot of plays and books and word-like things. In the fall, take a trip to NYC- tour schools I think look good and decide whether or not I like the city.
Now, this is the shaky bit.
After that first year off, I will either start school right away (depending on things like money and preparedness, etc.) or I will go live and work in New York for a year, checking it out, making sure it's a good place for me. My loverly lover recently got some good results from a website called greataupair.com and I was thinking about maybe au pair-ing in NYC for a year before school.
I know what you're saying "One year off turns into two, and before you know it it's nine or twelve!" This is what I'm afraid of. This and running out of money, not being as determined as I think I am, my laziness, etc.
I've never felt so lonely in my whole life... and now I'm moving away to be really truly on my own.
In one week I will be 18 years old. I feel like such a stereotype.
Blech....
Okay, scrap all that here's my plan:
Go curl up with the lovely giant bear I traded (for the love of my life, Slush) from a dear dear little lady and go to sleep to some soft music and lots of cuddly blankets.
Good plan?
I think so.
Goodnight, world.
On that whole "one year turns in to two turns into 9 billion" thing: If that happens, then it's supposed to happen. Maybe I'm just interpreting the reasons for that year turning into more than that differently than you are. The way I see it, if you're taking more time off because you're enjoying what you're doing and don't have a genuine desire to be at school, then it's what you should be doing. If it turns into more than a year due to money and housing problems, then that's a different story. But I can give you like a million dollars when I marry some European prince or something in a short while, so don't even worry.
ReplyDeletep.s. I love you this much. And when I say "this," I'm stretching my arms in opposite directions around the universe until my hands can touch.
Yep.
THAT much.