Lower than Deep

One thing that saddens me: I cannot remember the last time I read an entire book.

I used to read all the time, and I mean all the time. Teachers would yell at me, not for talking in class or causing a disruption, but for reading while they're trying to talk at us. And all of a sudden I don't even have the goddamn energy to read a book.

And theater? God, theater used to be the only thing... the ONLY thing that could jerk me out from that hole of self pity and teenage angst. I would get on that stage and whatever heartbreak or misery I was feeling would just float off me as my character and the energy of the show took me away. It was an escape, it was always an escape but it was also the only thing I ever really LOVED doing.

And now it's so real. The rest of my life is happening now, I have to graduate high school and move out of my parents home and be a big girl now. I've been waiting to do that for years but I didn't think how it would impact... everything else. Theater. My escape. Now it's my life and it's another stress and more pressure and more responsibility and another grown up detail for my new grown up life.

It's really scary. But it's always been scary. All of a sudden I feel too small and insignificant to fit in there. And I don't really have the energy, or the bravery, to even try.

And maybe I'm whining and being bratty and stupid and I should be thankful for everything that I have and, believe me, BELIEVE ME, I am so so grateful for this life. And I know that I've got more and I've come farther than most kids my own age, and yes that looks good and yes I'm mature and "old for my years" but I. Am. Still. Just. A. Child.

And right now I feel like everything that my life used to be is changing. Including that place that idea of a place that used to be my sanctuary my safe place. It's tainted with the drama and stupidity of my "trying to be as old as they think I am" and it all just seems kid of wrong.



And I wish I could relax. My shoulders hurt from being up to my ears.