Of Tears and Things

Lost is over.

Lost is over and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Damon Lindelof and Jack White should really chat... they are currently the loves of my life and I would really like them to create some crazy artistic love child. Also John Hughes and Quentin Tarantino.

Anyway.

I have this issue where I cry a lot, but can never do it onstage. For instance, the Lost finale: there was this recurring theme in which characters would do a certain thing; (this is me not spoiling anything for those of you intelligent enough to invest brainspace to this work of art) it happened about six times, and I cried like a baby every time. And then, of course, at the end, when the episode and the series were really honestly actually shockingly over and done with I was a veritable puddle.

However, when the forbidden love of my life is banished and I am being forced to take an epic sleeping potion in place of being married to another man... nothing. Not even a drop.

My nurse can cry but I cannot. Sense memory is bullshit and no matter how emotional I feel I just CAN'T CRY. This makes me achingly upset, friends. I feel like a horrid actress and an emotionally immature human being. If I think, if I feel like I am tapping into the same emotions I feel when the tears DO come, and the tears won't come? What does that mean about me? As am actress, a person? I'm probably over-reacting but it scares and angers me. Because of this and other things I'm frustrated with this career I've chosen for myself.

First of all, the logical part of my brain kicked in and reminded me that this is really not a career path that will sustain me and the family I eventually want to have. But I don't want to do anything else. There's never been anything else. Since I was an infant this is all I've wanted to do... besides becoming a fairy, but I'll always be working on that one.

A-I can't cry.
B-I'm awful with people. Interacting, socializing, not to mention networking which is pretty much the bane of my existence.
C-Drama. Already, even now, even TONIGHT I cannot avoid drama with theater people. And, let me tell you, I was NEVER a fan of drama... and I am becoming less and less fanish the more and more I witness and participate (willingly or not) in it.
D-The aforementioned fiscal problem
E-It's been a while since theater has fufilled me like it used to.

More on this last topic. I've been acting without a break since last June. Since Acadia. It's been lovely; Acadia was amazing and Rabbit Hole after it was genius. After Rabbit Hole, however, it fades. Perhaps due to stupid achingly regrettable personal drama, perhaps due to the fact that the shows I participated in weren't exactly... spectacular (by which I mean I did not have the most enjoyable time doing them, or they weren't quality: either/or/both depending on the show). It doens't really matter. All that matters is that I've lost myself in all these theatrics and I need a break to find that girl I know I am and be HER for a while. No Juliet, no Becca, no Amanda, just me. I miss me.

Well... me and my loves. My lovely loves I love oh-so-much. I cannot wait to do nothing but be around people I like this summer.

Sigh.

Imogen.

Readings.

Tonight was less than pleasurable. And I won't have a break from acting doing the readings. I'll be doing more acting than I have in a while, knowing the director. Which, on the one hand, is a good thing, because it will be more fulfilling acting then I've been doing recently. And on the other hand... I want a break.

And now we get into other things. Things like childhood and memories and how I've screwed myself over.

For a while there, friends, I was happier than I'd been in a long time. And then Lost ended (for some reason it coincided with it, I'm certain it was not the cause)... and now I'm confused again. I'd say lost but it's too easy.

I have been so very busy for this past year, and I know everyone says "Senior year goes by so fast" but Jesus H. Christ! I don't even REMEMBER this past year! Highlights, sure; all the dramatic BS that is my life... that I remember.... But where the time went? ... I think it went into working hard on things I thought would make me happy. And now... I realize that I've stopped paying attention to details; I've been obsessed with the big picture, with schedules and plans and making sure I can do all the big things I want to do. And that isn't where happiness is. Happiness isn't in making plans for your dreamhouse and family when you're twelve years old, or headlining as Juliet when you're 18. It's in that boys hand in your hand, that time he called you rapturous; your best friend's laugh or that time she cut your hair in her living room, the long bus ride home where you fell asleep on each other's shoulders. Or the way college students act during finals week-that progression of sleepless stressed study eyes to relieved relaxed i'm-going-home eyes. The way that pretty girl looked as she spun around the dance floor in her fairy dress. How happy your mother gets when the sun comes out. Baking in 90 degree weather because you want a cookie, dammit!

It's in details, moments. This is what children understand but adults oh-so-often fail to remember; it's that sense of wonder and amazement at all the little things that make children so beautiful.

I keep looking at the mistakes that I've made and I forget that I make them because I get caught up in those details, those moments. And I get lost when I try to be happy because I gloss over the details, moments, and look only at the repercussions of my stupid acts. (And most of my acts are pretty stupid, even the good ones.)

This is nothing profound or original. It's "stop and smell the flowers" reworded.

But, you know what, it's how I feel.

And I don't have to figure out the entirety of my future RIGHT NOW TONIGHT. What I do have to do is curl up in my bed, call a boy I love, and relax. Because I had a bad night, true, and maybe even a bad week. But tonight I stood on campus sharing a cigarette with my mother, I got a couple laughs from audience members, and left some hilariously embarrassing messages on my loverly lover's phone.

There's good in the bad, and even if there is bad in the good, the good is ALWAYS there. And if you look for it... you can find it... and if you give it a little nudge it'll multiply for you and grow into a smile and then a laugh and the bad fade fade fades away.

Tonight was bad... but tomorrow is going to be spectacular.

Yesiree.