Hey--wait---I've got a new complaint...

Breakups are officially the worst.

I think I've been in a form of break-up shock (is that a thing? if it isn't a thing it should be) for the past month. Since I've been back I've been going and doing and chilling and being and everything was peachy freaking keen. And all of a sudden this weekend it was like it hit me out of nowhere. Well. Not really. I skyped with the ex fella and saw our old bed and all our comfy freaking pillows. And I got really sad and lonely and spent the weekend in this teary daze. Hate me, but I thought of this scene in Gilmore Girls where Rory is going through her first break-up and her mom is trying to get her to wallow. And I was like "What's up ice cream and pie let's sit and watch ANTM and cry for a while, you in?" Also it was rainy and gross all weekend and the world was like "You do it Emma, you wallow your little heart out." And so I did.

Gotta say, I'm okay with the fact that it took me a month to get there. That's not to say I didn't have little bouts of sadness and loneliness this past month, but they were pretty momentary and I could chase them off with something else. This weekend was the first time I really felt like I needed to just feel it, miss the life I left and let myself be sad for what I gave up. Which was substantial. And I don't think I wanted to admit that to myself. And then I did. And I guess I think that was a good thing, and necessary.

Okay and but so then, yesterday the sun came out. And I hung out with a buddy, and had a boatload of fun. And then last night I made an apple crisp and drank my little heart out and all felt really really well. And today it is sunny and bright and I died my hair and walked to this here coffee shop. And TOMORROW my bestest freaking pal in the world comes back from Europe.

One weekend of sad and loneliness is probably pretty healthy. I discovered a serious appreciation for Kurt fucking Cobain. Listened to Nirvana and Fall Out Boy all weekend, this is the best emo combination I've discovered... and I have had plenty of experience let me tell you. Pity Sex if you're into that kind of thing. Musically. Ha. Hopefully this upswing will last a while.

Hopefully my next update will be all about my new job and how my whole entire head of hair is orange!

Enjoy the gorgeous freaking weather, guys!!

Song Lyric

We have sort of talked about music before. And if you haven't noticed, my posts are most usually titled from song lyrics. Because I listen to a lot of music. I love listening to music more than I love almost anything else in the world. I don't need to be doing anything else if I've found good music to lay on my bed and listen to.

I truly think there is something beautiful when. When. Okay I wrote this thing. Sometimes I write these things that aren't really poems but more just like prose with funny spacing, but I was trying to express it like a real person and I think this just does it better. Don't make fun of me. I fail. But it's okay because I wasn't really trying.


there is a magical feeling of

connectedness

for someone as unconnected as myself

when an artist writes words that speak to your soul

as though they were written just for you

and the fact that hundreds of thousands of other

gals

feel the very same way

does

nothing 

to deter or interrupt your connection

with this complete stranger

who expresses your own deepest emotions

better than you could ever dream to

It is a thing that I think and I feel about often. So. Here are the lyrics that are scrawled in the margins of my journal. Some of them. Anyways. 

Full disclosure. All I've been listening to recently are the new Arctic Monkeys and Cold War Kids albums... so it's mostly them. 

"I once knew a girl, in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth, but in the morning i fled, left a note and it read: someday you will be loved." Death Cab for Cutie-- Someday You Will Be Loved

"But that place on memory lane you like still looks the same but something about it's changed." Arctic Monkeys-- Fireside

"And i want to tell you my thoughts, but my thoughts are scattered like crows" Cold War Kids-- Fear & Trembling

"It's hard to get around the wind." alex turner

"I'm not the same kid, i grew up. Did i? Or did i get stuck?" Cold War Kids--- Bottled Affection... truly I think I may have accidentally quoted this in my last post. I've listened to this song probably ten million times in the past two weeks. 

"My solitude it makes me softer, my suffering is not in vain." Cold War Kids--- Jailbirds

"Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost. Heavy is the cost." Stars-- Personal 

"I'm at war with head vs heart, and it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks before i know what it will say." Death Cab for Cutie-- Crooked Teeth

"I know i can't stay here too long, cause i can't go a week without doing wrong." The Devil Makes Three (who are coming to First Ave, who's going with me?)---- Ol No 7

"Fuck this place! I lost the war, I hate you all, Your mom's a whore. Wheres my dog? Girls are such a drag." Blink 182--- Dysentary Gary

That last one's a joke. Mainly. 

Also pretty much this entire song was a ridiculous part of my life for a while, have I ever mentioned Alex Turner? Ha. Also the video's really cool. Really any Arctic Monkeys video. If you're into that kind of thing. Oh, and this. Cold War Kids. Song. There is no music video for it... but the one you make up in your head will be better anyway. 

I hope that everyone is listening to music that makes them feel all the feels, like they are a part of the universe. I'm all about that shit. Obviously. 

Ta.

But You Deny You Ever Lied

Well.

Hello.

Since my last post I have been lounging around my parents house all day, occasionally going out at night and just kind of basically being. Bike rides around Lake Nokomis, walks to the Minnehaha Falls. Making yummy foods with my mommy, trips to our corner grocery Oxendale's (it will always be Jubilee in my brain) and the library. 

Something about the small town vibe of this city and the fact that I have so much history and nostalgia connected with this place... I will never "settle down" here. If I ever settle anywhere. But I am excited to spend a few years re-learning this city as an adult. Everything feels so big and exciting and ripe with promises of new experiences. Places I remember from my childhood, instead of feeling smaller, feel so much more complex and interesting looking at them through my adult eyes. 

I do not feel like I lost anything "growing up." It has been something I've been thinking about recently. Wether or not I have actually "grown up" and if so did I do it good? Am I a real, good, grown up adult person? Or am I stuck? And if so is there something wrong with that? I do not mean in the context of having no job and living with my parents, I mean it in a broader context of making life decisions that benefit me and my general humanity in the long run. I know that I need to get a job, and I have a pal who's most likely going to hook me up, and I'm actually even excited about that. What I am less sure of is whether or not I'm capable of being a good person. 

Regardless of age, or stasis in the "grown-up" continuum. 

Anyways. It has been really nice to just take a break. After working 50+ hours weekly for the last three years, and having all my free time basically filled by a boy... it is nice to just be with myself for a little while. I have been journalling like a maniac, people-watching like a pro, and really trying to learn and figure out all I can about myself and this world I live in. Trying to push my little bubble, going out and interacting with people. It's hard for me. I am 75% social anxiety. But I am really and truly working on it. Maybe it's incredibly self-centered of me... but I'm honestly trying to better myself. 

Ha! Sometimes, read most of the time, I feel like every other newly 20something out there. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. We're in it together, folks! 

This is water. 

It's ten minutes long but watch it, it will change your life. For real. I just started crying in the library. Slays me. 

Love you all. 

The Night Comes Crawling In On All Fours Sucking Up My Dreams Through The Floor

It is always strange to be back here.

The first couple days felt like any visit I have made over the past few years. But yesterday everything started to shift, slightly.

My Saturday was empty. In the morning I called up my most dear bestest friend to see what was up and we ended up going to the dump (!! more on that exciting adventure later!!)  and on a couple errands together. It was the kind of sudden spontaneity that is both minuscule and meaningful. Incredibly easy to take for granted when you live in a city full of pals, but something that I missed profoundly in Chicago. The fact that I can just call up friends when I have nothing to do makes me thoroughly happy.

This coupled with the fact that I am legitimately once more living in my parents home cemented the reality of my return. Not that I mind living with my parents, they are great people and incredibly generous to be housing me during my little transitional period. My sister is in town right now, so it still feels mainly like any other vacation, but all my crap laying around the house, my room stuffed with suitcases and boxes... there is a reality to it. A finality.

Goodness gracious sakes alive, you guys, I have been having the BEST time!! I went to get mani-pedis with my sister, a completely and utterly new experience for me which was really unbelievably delightful. Visited the falls for a good long while, my old sanctuary. It was nice, it was beautiful actually, to be back there. I felt more relaxed than I have in ages. I went to the dump! Okay. Secret time you guys. It wasn't actually the dump. But it was a place where you go and they weigh your car and then you go throw your shit in piles of other people's shit. Gross. Sorry. We threw some doors and a sink thing and some other things and I had an embarrassing amount of fun. I saw my oldest bestest pal (I will refer to all my friends as my bestest friends. Because they all are.) and went to a weird party and totally put myself out of my comfort zone. Which is a goal I have. And then today I had the BEST shopping day ever. Like painfully good. Spending money I don't have. Probably one of my favorite things to do.

Really, you guys, I've been having the best days.

Nights are hard. But that's another story.

My goal is to do something new every day. So far, since Friday anyway, I have met that goal. I want to do new and spontaneous things that put me out of my comfort zone and hopefully help me to grow and learn about myself. My other, broader, more real goals are to find a job, an apartment, and eventually finish my degree. Degree in what you ask? No freaking clue. Something useless and fun that I will enjoy learning about. Like linguistics or creative writing or something. I like those word things.

You guys.

You guys.

I am so happy. This is so good.

Thanks for supporting my silly little life, you guys.

More soon.

And I Had All The Dreams

A little while ago I made the most difficult decision of my life. I shocked and surprised myself with a realization that I knew somewhere in the crevices of my heart was brewing for a long long time. Even though there is a part of me that still wants this life I've been living, I know that it is not what I need. So I am packing up my things and moving back to Minneapolis. For a little while anyway.

I have been in an utterly serious, completely committed relationship for the past going on four years. (It wasn't totally serious and completely committed for the first bit, but it was always pretty intense.) I moved to Chicago three years ago to be with the man I loved. And I have been happy. He makes me so happy. But you know what? It's hard, and terrifying, and I don't want to be in one relationship from the time that I was seventeen years old. I need to be on my own, to see what else is out there, to learn how to make MYSELF happy. I didn't want to feel like this. It feels like throwing away something extremely special. And maybe it is. But I need to know all the other special things that are out there in the world for me. 

Also I cannot express the joy I feel knowing that I will be back in the city where all my friends and family live. 

Over these past three years I have learned and experienced so much, and if I had met this man ten years from now, maybe it would be forever. But I just can't handle forever right now. 

All this said, I will genuinely smack anyone in the face who says that these past three years have been a mistake or a waste. I moved to a city where I didn't know anyone, cut off all financial ties to my parents when I was 18, and I fucking flourished. I made good money, found a great apartment in a great part of the city, made it into a home where I could be happy for three years. I learned what it's like to live with a man, to be in a serious relationship. I learned how to communicate honestly and openly with a partner, even when it's hard. I learned how to drive! To cook! To budget and pay bills! And I had fun. 

I drove from Chicago to New York City. I drove from Chicago to New Orleans. I went hiking and walking and biking all around the city. Ate at a million restaurants, visited a bunch of museums. Ooo, boy I will miss The Art Institute Of Chicago. 

It's been great.

But the next chapter of my life will be great too.

Hit me up if you're in the cities!!

Singing Dreadful Songs About Summer

For over ten years I have been taking care of other people's children. 

I started babysitting very young, watching children who were only slightly younger than me while their mother worked from home in the next room. At ten years old, I would make them sandwiches and mac and cheese from the box for lunch, go on bike rides with them to the park, yell at the little one (who was also named Emma) when she was being a brat. We would sit on the edges of kiddie pools and talk about whatever it is kids tenandyounger talk about. I wanted to be a good friend and an honest confidant and a good caregiver from the age of ten. 

*     *     *

I have always loved music. I bought my first CD when I was very young (it was Savage Garden, I admit it) and for a long part of my early adolescence music was the only thing I wanted to spend money on. To do that I needed to have money, and so I needed to work. 

It's funny, I have no particular memory of my parents telling me I had to get a job, or that they wouldn't buy me things... but I think I always knew that we weren't the most affluent family in the world. I always felt bad asking my parents for money... just felt more comfortable using my own money to buy material non-essentials like CDs and books. Which is where all my money usually went.  

Growing up I had several regular families I would babysit for occasionally, generating me enough income for regular trips to the Electric Fetus. I always had to buy two albums. Never just one. 

I didn't want to be a full time nanny. It wasn't really a choice that I had. The summer after I graduated college I went to bartending school in the hopes of being a cool bartender or server like my big sister (pretty sure my love of music also came from her... a good 40% of my personality probably comes from me trying to be just like my cool big sister.) In Minneapolis, you can bartend and serve alcohol from age eighteen. Not so in Chicago. So. It was either try to find a waitressing job with no experience and no connections in the city, or use the years of babysitting behind me and some fantastic references from some fantastic parents to find a nannying job. 

*     *     * 

Over the past few years my job has evolved quite a bit from mac and cheese and bike rides to the park. 

My money does not all go to CDs these days.

I have forgotten. Learning to pay bills and rent and for things like groceries. I budget for all these things and am so thankful that I've been able to be fully independent for these past few years. But while I've been looking for a new job (let's be honest, while I've been watching Netflix marathons and laying on a sheet by the lake in the sun reading / writing / pretending to be finding a job) I've thought of it as a painful painful chore. 

But if, instead of thinking of it as something that gets me by, if I start trying to think of finding a new job so that I can buy myself music, books, go on trips to San Fransisco.... I think that that will make it easier. If I can remember the thrill of taking that money that I earned on my very lonesome up to the cute hip older boys at the cash register at Electric Fetus and walking out of there with 12 tracks of pure pleasure, if I can harness that feeling maybe finding work will be a thrill too. 

And I will take my first paycheck and buy myself the new Arctic Monkeys album. 

Ugh, Alex Turner... I could write an entire blog post about my love for you. 

But. 

Won't ;)

Even On A Cloudy Day

Life is funny, and strange, and recently I've been reevaluating the differences between good things and bad things.

A lot of bad things have happened this year. A little over half way through and so far this has been a categorically bad year.

And yet.

And yet.

Sometimes I think that there is no such thing as a bad thing, even all the bad things. Or maybe I just think that bad things have to happen, and I find it terribly simple to accept that bad things happen. And I'm afraid that that makes me a bad person. It's not that I think bad things are good or that they don't affect me emotionally, it's just that I haven't been particularly confused. I've been shocked. Sad. Upset. Even angry. But I feel like I have this odd understanding.

I was watching Fringe with the fella last night (ps omgFringegowatchit) and my favorite character said something about being emotionally stunted. Things that bother other people don't seem to bother her as much. And sometimes I wonder if I'm emotionally stunted. Which actually makes no sense because I am an incredibly emotional person who cries at the drop of a hat and that Camp Gyno commercial just because it was was so darn good.

Maybe I just watch too much television.

I picked up my guitar the other day. The fella picked up a (seventh) bookshelf to house all our books that were scattered around the apartment and to put it in I had to move my guitar.

I never learned how to play.

My Uncle Ed tried to teach me a few times but it never took. I used to think I didn't have the musical gene but now I'm starting to think I didn't have the desire or the drive. I wish I'd spent more time with him, tried harder to learn from him. I feel like he had more to teach than I know.

  Uncle Ed's ghost bike. Go check it out.

My uncle was hilarious and sweet and one of those people who you know right away when you meet them is just filled with goodness. He gave the best hugs and the sweetest presents and even though my sister and I weren't his biological nieces he treated us just like family. In the best way possible. We always thought he would be around and when he was taken from us it felt... this is cliched but it honestly felt like a hole. Like some monster had taken a bite out of our family. 

My sister had the idea to make a ghost bike and it was a beautiful idea and a beautiful finished project and very therapeutic to make. I've seen two of these put up in my life. It's too many. 

I miss him. 

I miss Tamar. My old friend. I should've kept you closer.

Two people I was close to have passed this year. And last night I got a call from one of my closest friends telling me her mother wouldn't make it through the night. It's too much. I've never really had to deal with death like this before. Maybe it's normal not to go through certain stages for a while. Maybe it's normal to not be confused, maybe other people don't get angry or sad or shocked. I hope so anyway. 

I didn't hold them close enough. It's hard but I'm trying to try harder to keep the people I want to be close to close. 

Through these experiences and other recent experiences I have learned not to be afraid to reach out... even if you don't succeed in getting closer to someone... at least you've tried all you can and when they are gone you will have no regrets. 

You know.

You know.

I think that this is what it is. All these bad things have happened and still I am happy. Still I wake up each morning next to the love of my life. I live in an amazing city in an amazing apartment I have filled with love and books and life. I keep my eyes fixed on the sun. Even on a cloudy day. Maybe acceptance is just easier because I feel that I have such a beautiful life. 

But does that make me selfish and horrible? Being happy amongst all this pain? But I feel the pain!! And still I am happy. How the ef does that work?

Sigh. 

God, I am blessed. I feel too lucky not to look up. Like it would be a disservice to my life.

Sigh.

Keep 'em close, folks.